I am my own salvation

 For a while recently, I have this notion in my head. Which is that I am pretty much this traumatized adult was because of my upbringing when I was a child. When I was younger, whenever I made mistakes or do something naughty, the consequences were pretty dire. For example, as I was at Popo house most of my childhood, so when I do something wrong at Popo house, I will be scolded by Popo. Then later in the evening, if Small Uncle was at home, I will be scolded also if it's something bad then later when I go home I will be scolded again by my Mum. Sometimes, uncle won't say anything but you know lah...when you do the wrong thing then the vibe is pretty bad so you will feel disappointed also. Then at home it will be scolded and worse case is either kneel in front of Guan Yin or get caned lo.  

As I grew older, there were rare times where I would dare to go against the norm or against my parents to do things that I want to do. Other than that, I will play it safe or consider all options and to reduce my risk. I do not dare to do a lot of risky things because I was afraid it will cause how people perceive me, or I would blame myself for making that decision. So I became someone who once has determined his comfort zone and things that make sense for me, I will not want to explore out or be open to new things that I find not able to comprehend. Even if my heart says to do it, I will still find many reasons why I should not do it and more often than not, I decided against it. Of course there were some instances where I was right though it only serves to further reinforce that thinking. I used to own that thinking that I am someone who thinks and evaluates every step that I make and that I am right with such a thinking. I don't think it's a wrong thing but as with everything in life, it would need to be balanced. 

At the back of my head, I think I do blame my mum for me turning out this way, especially during my primary school days...secondary school was pretty much independent so I have no complaints about it. During the road trip back in December, there was a conversation about bringing kids with my Small Uncle and Small Auntie( awkward with my cousins around also), I said something about how it was scary being scolded so many times in a day. My Small Auntie said that well I did turn out well behaved and all. Though my Small Auntie don't believe in caning, but she definitely scold my cousins a lot and frankly, if they are sensitive as me, it will probably be akin to caning in my opinion. I thought of Jia Jia and other people that I know at my age whom are parents, everyone is trying to figure out to the best of their abilities at that point of time. Probably at that point of time, my parents are also. Balancing the career, finances and child rearing. 

These past year or so, after quitting and being away from Singaporean Society, I feel that I am slowly picking up the pieces and fixing the various traumatizing aspects of my mental state and also knowing that a lot of things that happen in my life are ultimately my own decisions. From me feeling not connected to my friends, to not being fit, not being happy, career was not good and also blaming cat for some things in life, the cage that I had always thought that I was trapped in was due to everything that life or society or others that had placed on me. 

Within the cage, there has always been a door. The door which was in front of me will never be open because I had felt that there is nothing that I could do and that I needed something or someone beyond that door to open for me and I will be saved. While in the cage, as I was waiting to be saved, I blame everything that was not going for me, blame cat for not understanding me,low-key blame my parents for me turning out this way, blame the job for being tough (which is actually to an extent but I let it affected my personal life). Ultimately, I blame the world(cat, friends and the society at large) for not understanding me but most importantly, for not saving me out of the cage that I was in. I would like to think that GK had tried to help during the really bad times but alas he was not able to open the door for me either.

And I had come to realize that I had always been a selfish guy, though my friends won't see it that way. Deep down, such actions and thoughts all just scream selfish. I psych myself to believe that I need to be saved by others or external forces.

In actual fact, the door in front of me has all along been a one way door, there was no knob on the outside. Hence no one was able to pull the door open and save me. The only way to escape the cage was for me to just push the door and I will be freed. 

After all this time, in the end, I am my own salvation. 

As I push the door ever slightly, my world became brighter and I felt a sense of optimism and warmth that I had not felt for some time. It is still a work in progress but I know I will be out soon. 

Can pride buy you Mcdonald's

 I have been hearing work stuffs from Cat on the differences in between how SG office and Aus office approach their work. One is like very customer centric and the other is more of "Self worth and that if you are difficult, then we rather not have the business".

The common client that both office(s) have are pretty big so I can understand why SG office who is the main point is more of a " will do anything to keep this client" kind. TBH, I totally agreed on this. It kinda took me back to my army days where we have this saying " What's pride ? Can pride buy you Mcdonald's? ". It's that kind of practicality mindset that made us Singaporean or Asian I guess. Regardless of how life is more chill here and basically here is more of an Employee paradise I might add, but I see that Cat is more frustrated because the staff here are more me first rather than the work. Frankly, I think I would suit it here because my professional life and private life is more split up. The thing that kind of makes me feel uneasy is that is this a mindset that should I ever have kids want to be raised in ? In any case, Cat don't feel right here so no point bah. 

In a way, I also see it as do I want to be part of a country that I feel that has a direction or should I say there's a progression vs a country where I feel is trying to fix the missteps that previous governments or leaders had caused. Maybe I am trying to psycho myself why I am going back to a more stressful and judgemental society ...haha 

In general, I feel that here kind of feel like back in BNP, where again no progression, nothing to look forward, in terms of a future for this country. Too many things don't change or rather it's taking a long time too and I feel that we are in a world where things are moving fast and that sooner or later, one will get left behind if we don't evolve. Maybe it's a scarcity mindset...like there is no way but forward as compared to a society which have a back up, like if this doesn't work out there is always something else or maybe there's always agriculture. 

Being here has led me to be take care more of the food that we consumed as we usually eat home and the produce here are relatively cheap and fresh as compared to Singapore. In Singapore, we have too easy access to food already, with all the malls and the hawker centres nearby. I hope to be able to cook or make my own food once I am back in the rat race again as I feel that eating home cooked food definitely helps with mental and physical health also. 

Maboroshi

 

Just completed this anime during my daily lunch time of the day, and it was a visually captivating anime and the climax was pretty good. The storyline kept switching from one plot to another plot so the author could have probably done with some good consistency. Although there are various plot changes and all, there are some very good quotes and plots that does hit close to my heart. 

Story was that the main characters are like phantoms that lived in an alternate universe where time stops for them until they met a young girl who turns out to be their daughter from an actual reality. In their reality, they are not supposed to feel any strong emotions, be it good or bad, as long as it is constant then their world will carry on. Otherwise, they will be swallowed by the smoke(that resembles Wolfs). Ending was that the main characters managed to send their daughter back to the actual reality and in their reality , time starts to move again. In the actual reality future, the town was no longer inhabited by people and that it is more or less forgotten since the steel factory accident and slowly the residents left the place. 

1) As time and changes go hand in hand, emotions which are tied to changes will also be a constant

The protagonist grandfather mentioned that probably the gods created that alternate reality because it was the time when before the accident, the town was the most lively but once the accident happened, people had moved out and decide to move on. The gods of the mountain that produce the steel wanted to keep the memories of the place hence the main characters are stuck at the particular point of time. However, the main characters started to notice that they are not real and feels like their lives are stuck. Whoever felt deep motions like sadness or happiness will be removed from the alternate reality. But in actual fact, such a reality where everything is constant, is it really a life worth living ? A place where one don't make any mistakes, doesn't change the status quo, doesn't get hurt or don't feel love, can it happened? It can only happen when time stops but in reality, this will never be the case. Time never stops, so change is always happening and emotions, be it good or bad will continue to happen. 

My thoughts--->The above kinda really hit me because I kinda realise that I am someone that fear making mistakes, being on the wrong side of people, fear of being thought of in a negative light or people's judgement so I get stressed out when things are different or when people don't agree with me. So I would rather just conform to their whims and thoughts. Also I would always try to be stress out of making any mistakes , be it wrong email or wrong booking or anything, and if I make the mistake, I beat myself up badly for it. All in all, because of me rejecting confrontations, rejecting getting hurt or feeling negative emotions, I ended up stuck in time figuratively. I always tell cat that I don't feel 36 but rather more like 30ish...I wonder if I had allowed myself to stop living in 2019. 

Recently I had to look for Movers because the landlord decided to not renew our lease, so was reading online on the various companies. There were some bad ones and there were some good but expensive ones. I knew that Cat wanted to get the cheapest or most value one but somehow it seems difficult to find cheap but reliable. I was afraid that she will be not happy if I chose the wrong one or was afraid that I made a mistake and ended up being hit with more charges. In the end, like in the anime, in my mind, I just felt kinda stuck. Eventually we settled on one mover but my mind was still not at ease. Well, Until I watch this anime though.

So it kinda hit me when I realise that I should allow myself to make mistakes. To feel bad because these emotions are part and parcel of time. Time never stops and one will never be able to avoid feeling bad ever. If I made a mistake, it is just for me to learn and then not make it again. Whatever people think of me, even if its dear, I should let it go and not be sad that I had let her down. Even if she might be disappointed in me for that instant, I should learn from it and just keep moving forward. To have confidence that whatever happens, it will be alright. 

2) Meaning of to be alive

Throughout the show, the main characters all mentioned that they felt life was always the same because they don't feel pain nor happiness just being constant stoic feelings. The weather never moves, time never moves. That they never felt like they were alive. Like the machine in the factory, just keep churning on. 

My thoughts--->Like in the anime,to be alive is to allow yourself to go through those bad emotions in your life. With me berating myself or rather stopping myself from making any mistakes, from avoiding confrontations to making decisions, I cease to live, to be alive. Feeling the pain to feeling tightness across the chest, to love, to cry, to smile, to be angry, to be depressed ..all of these are signs that you are still alive. Maybe that's why people who do extreme sports like rock climbing or bungee jumping or sky diving mention that is the time that they felt alive. the tightness of the chest due to fear, the tingling sensation in the fingers when jumping off the plan...or the strain of the muscles while rock climbing..all these is just to feel alive. Rather than avoiding pain,suffering and confrontation, I should learn to embrace them...to understand that to be alive is to be feel pain and suffering. It is correct to avoid these once you experience them, but if one has not experience it before. How does one know that this is pain and suffering and thus learn to avoid them ? By avoiding it, is one then also avoiding life ?

 I think what I took from this movie, is that I should learn to accept that to be alive , to live , it is not possible to avoid any mistakes , any bad emotions but that mistakes can be made, and mistakes will make one feel really bad. However, mistakes is just an indicator that something is not working and that one should just turn to another path which will infinitely lead you to more paths and more mistakes. Eventually, there might be a place where one is contented or there might be none but regardless, all these shows that one is truly alive and is thus living. 

Blog=Journal and Happy 2024 !

 Well well, didn't expect that the first post of the new year will be a journalling post, rather than the other kinds of post I wanted to post previously or the year end roadtrip post. It isn't a New Year Resolution post as well as compared to other years. So...this is more of a kinda impulse kind of thing...spontaneous one might call it..haha

The impulse thought that came to my mind was that I somehow just fully connected that my constant blogging in the past is very much like journaling in the mainstream world these days. As the video mentioned that journaling helps with stress and anxiety issues, my consistent blogging in the past had helped me as well. In more recent times, as I stopped blogging consistently my mental state was sent into a deep hellish spiral as I became more narrow into my negative feelings and mindset. 

I had always thought of blogging to be like a Pensive in Harry Potter, where you just dump memories which is probably true in the early days where it's more like a dairy. In the subsequent years following my time in the army, it became more like a journal instead. Where I blogged my thoughts and ideas and feelings.

For quite some time, I was under the impression that journaling will be more effective if it's with pen and paper. So I started with a small notebook and started again so that  I can write things down here and there. Then I realise that a tablet would be much better but I can never find a tablet that writes well as good as an Ipad and cause I am anti apple, I won't get an Ipad. COVID happens and for some reason, I didn't really maintain my notebook and blogging as much too. 

End of the day, maybe blogging is not as good as writing down because typing and writing induces different muscle memories but consistent blogging aka journaling is better than inconsistent notebooking or writing. 

Back to the video, most of my blog is probably classified as Level 1 and 2 Journaling which is to recount what I had done or experienced in recent time. Maybe the level 2 is not so much as it does include the "Grateful Exercises" part which I am now trying actively on my Samsung Galaxy S9 FE tablet( I finally manage to get one thanks to the HK gov and Cat=P) 

By actively blogging on stuffs in my life, it actually helps me to detach some of the feelings especially the negative ones and to gain somewhat like a bird's eye view and not be caught up in the moment. For someone that experiences stress, anxiety and a lot of negative emotions often, I think it is helpful and provides a kind of clarity during such moments. 

Well then, Happy 2024 everyone and it's the year of the dragons yo (36 le...lol) 

A small update

 Hey y'all, been sometime since the last post. Been and back from Canberra to collect my passport which requires me to drive 3.5 hours. But, hey it's for the world's most powerful passport so of course I will do it! haha oks actually I can get them to mail but I thought it wasn't that safe and besides, what better excuse to visit another territory in Down Under. 

So recently, I have been watching quite a bit of productivity systems and more like Life Hacks quote unquote kind of videos on YouTube. Haven't really got much headway in a lot of things in life again. Now it is more like a slow kind of figuring out what I need to slowly do or include in my life. So I've been clearing out my online databases like Google Drive and Google Keep. Also, I've been back on Duolingo( looking to buck up my knowledge on Korean and Chinese) and also spend some time on keyboard typing skills. One of the YouTube videos mentioned that by learning to type accurately and fast, made sense in life as these days it's all digital Just realized that my typing is pretty bad( no wonder my primary school keyboard typing scores are so poor). 

So yeah, its had not been anything exciting or life changing recently. Looking back at the old post, I think I would want to touch up on the part of Preconceived Notion but I think it will be in a future post. 

Cloudiness and fogginess in the Mind

Today I don't really have a direction on what this blogpost to be. I have quite a few thoughts and notions in my mind currently. Let's list it down below.

1) Preconceived Notions

2) Direction of Life

3) Self Limiting Thoughts

4) Being Uptight

Yesterday, went to pick Cat up from a god damn far client office...45km , literally from Changi to Tuas...lol. So at the same time also gave a ride to her colleague also. He is a 28 year old Argentinian of Italian descent and he had studied in Italy and also worked in EY Luxembourg and now is residing in Sydney for the past 18 months. 

My first thought is wow he is truly a global citizen as he has lived in 3 different continents( Europe, South America and Oceania). When I mentioned that I used to work at a Hedge Funds Administration firm and now right now is taking a break from working here in Sydney. I don't feel any sense of judgement of this route that I am choosing to follow. Unlike the feelings that I received whenever I mention it to my Singaporean friends. Like the first thing people will assume is that I should be studying or maybe doing a barista course here. Basically not wasting my time here and doing nothing. 

I guess it is probably the society which we stayed in that somehow propagates these thoughts. Singapore unfortunately does not have any resources or materials so end of the day as a society we will need to continue to evolve and change and always be on our toes. In another way to put it, we always have to be on an edge, to be efficient and in a way to be uptight. I get that and I recognize that as well. I will not be able to have such a life when I am back in SG. Financially it doesn't work out as well so it will be back to work when I am back. 

Of course, I am not saying that I should be just nua and do nothing for the rest of my days. But more of like I want to do what I want to do and not probably a side of my mind which is influenced by society for such a long time that is leading me. 

There is a part of my psyche where everything I do or rather most things , I always always consider the consequences from it. For example, I spent my whole day just watching anime, then I next felt guilty and think what I should be doing and what will others think. Following which, I will play out the scenarios in my head and think of the possible reactions to the various scenarios. Crazy right? So imagine that in a day I will possibly have some or a few of such thoughts and it really takes a lot of my energy up. 

Going forward, hopefully I will be able to steel more part of my mind to avoid going down that route and to learn how to let things go, forgive myself and just have an open mind. 

Dropping the weights so that I can fly

Supposed to be blogging once every week as part of my mental wellness checklist so that I can clear the stuffs lingering in my head and just basically journal things in here. It's like a form of decluttering. Well apparently last week I failed le..lol..as I didn't manage to journal an entry. In any case, sometimes there isn't anything right. 

Anyways, today as usual was playing Youtube music while I was hanging clothes and then the AI code decided to play songs from Chinese music shows where they bring back the 2000s singers and sing their old hits. Stop for a pause,listen and watched the emo MVs. 

It brings back memories and nostalgia where I find solace in the sad music especially the Chinese songs. It brings back the feelings and emotions I went through while I was young. Like sometimes I will imagine myself to be the protagonist in the MVs and that life is so melancholic and things like that. At the same time, at the end of the song, some songs end with a positive note and I will console myself that things will get better. 

Some songs brought some feelings that when I was younger that the future will be so bright and good and that things will always work out in the end. Now the older me feels that at the end somehow all those love songs and things like this don't really matter much these days to me. It's as if those past feelings were inconsequential. 

Maybe for the past years or so, I hadn't been living life intentionally or should I say being myself. I think I had been like auto pilot, like doing things that seems to be the right thing to do or that my moral codes feel obligated to. In a way , I cease to be alive in my own soul and exist as an empty shell. Probably that's why I feel that the past years had been lost to me. I kinda lost my career direction, lost what's like to love Cat, lost the reason why I wake up every morning and basically in a bare minimum survival mode day after day. 

Recently my Mum found a new Fengshui Master as she is moving house soon and our current FS Master is gonna retire soon. So my Mum shared the YouTube channel of the new master and got me to check him out and see if he is alright. So watched a video that he done up on the Dragon for the year 2023 and that he mentioned that this year Dragon should always smile and laugh regardless of what happens.

He also mentioned that Dragon should lose 3 things in their life this year for it to get better. He mention its not like material things but more like 3 mindset/lifestyle/habits. Well, moving here to Sydney is one of them. I guess being unemployed is probably another one. The last one I had been thinking for some time and I think it might be some of the old values that I inexplicably hold myself to. 

Like how I see things in life, how I react to and how I held things/emotions for a very long time. Probably I should learn from Marly and it's good to have STM haha. 

I guess this year should be another change mindset/reset year. 

Once was in NS when after a few years I then decided to let go of my desire of being together with Sam and instead to be her friend that will always try to be there for her whenever she needs me till the end of time. 

Second time I think was my break up with Adeline amidst the year when I was looking for a job. I decided to let go of my idea of needing to be with someone even though the relationship was definitely not right for me at that time. Also to not let go of my dream of working for a bank at that time. Coincidentally, that year was also the year I got together with Cat and I got my job at BNP. 

Hopefully, this year will also be that reset year for me. The year where I change so that I can live the best version of myself.