Searching, Discovering and Learning about The Paradigms of Life

Undesirable

2012-02-12T23:18:00.002+08:00

Oks this is beginning to be a problem...just FYI this post has nothing to do with the initial 2 posts ah...this is completely independent...lolz...

Anws, was applying for certain internships here and there...of cuz my bloody internet connection is yi ge cui...damn u singtel...so when applying for such stuffs, require you to fill in achievements,projects and etc etc. So as I was filling them out, I realise I don't really have much to say and furthurmore under the "why we should take you in" portion, I basically got to crap loads of stuff and all. So much so that I kinda feel like...hmm..useless and to a certain extent soul-less. And maybe to a certain extent, a fall in self esteem. You know, basically I don't really have anything to show about my interest in finance and stuff, except I read loads of books on investments and stuffs...but nothing in my opinion for employers to want me. Oks,I am beginning to sound like a self-defeatist liao...bad sign...haha

Anws, this is more of a rant/whine post...so come on HWAITING

=)

2012-02-12T18:55:00.001+08:00

Here is little YeRin again..haha..as a continuation of the previous post, where there is darkness, there will also be light. So here a video of little YeRin, also makes people very appreciative of life. Where we all go like.."Awwww so cute..." phrase, but at the same time, the pure energy and sincerity in her smile alleviates the problems that we all have. So lets smile more together, shall we? =)

Recently, I had always been haunted by a thought? or maybe an equation that just does not make any sense to me. And had thought of like possible solutions, the ifs, the maybes....and in the end, it starts one whole circle all over again. So its kinda like a circle. Throw in emotions like annoyed, pissed off, inability to do anything about it...so well we have here a one hell of a problem. Well watching these videos,as well with many on off thinking sessions, conclusion is that well I guess I had done everything I could currently.And the wu nai that I felt was most probably because of the past, where I could have solved it once and for all but I didnt. Coupled with the fact of irrationality and the notion of "love is blind" mentality, and of course, past references is of no use here, so a lot of things really don't make any sense to me at all. I guess I sort of resented that, thats why I had been so perturbed by it all along. I think an example would be like my phone suppose to be able to play games, and no matter what I do, it wouldn't. So eventually, i threw it against the wall....erm...oks pardon that violent streak aside..lolz...its just come out de.haha

But, I guess I do know more things now..pertaining to reading between the lines and about what people says but they do another thing. Well, who doesn't? Humans are known to be famously fan jian de...haha...love this phrase sia...heehee

World's Problems

2012-02-12T18:37:00.001+08:00

Been sometime since I last blog, so here I go again..haha. This morning was otw back from RT at Maju, yes I knw ....I fail again..haha. Anws, was reading news all the way back home. Read about the civil war in Syria, Egypt still in a state of anarchy, Whitney Houston dead, civil servants caught up in online vice syndicates,austerity riots in greece etc etc. Pretty fucked up world hur...in all corners of the world, there is something ridiculous happening. What a start to the year sia.

I guess humans, the successful product of evolution, all contribute in one way or another, to this current mess that we are all in. The desire to be free lead to the Arab Spring, the very oppression by former dictators lead to that in-suppressible desire to be free...people won. But, in the end, only for lives to continue to lose and themselves stuck in a stalemate with current government being as oppressive as the previous. The initial grand idea of being liberalised have left them stuck in oppression again and most of the economy and infrastructure in tatters. But I guess thats how fall in dicatatorship works, the country citizens just have to work out their problems, and that means one has to go thru a possible violent age. However, eventually there will be stability but whether their leader will be one that starts a revolution or just become another dictator remains to be seem. No intervention from any foreign powers will help, because it may seem as a culture invasion from foreigners. Though I feel that the UN should have stepped in and protect the innocents but without interfering with the democratic process.

Thinking back, SG was really lucky to not have to go thru a prolong violent age except with the labour unions strike as well as armed attacks by terrorists. Call it luck or whatsoever,and coupled with pretty gutsy politicians/statesmen we have, we survive that stage and jumped into the peaceful age that we are at now.

Chanced upon this video while searching for davichi other songs, also sang by davichi but for a documentary by KBS on celebrities doing charity work. Instead of seeing it with a skeptic's eye, lets see the world has what it is. Its pretty heart wrenching seeing how other humans are out there suffering. And then when you think of your problems, and one will go like" Dafuq am I emo abt?". Its kinda put things in some sort of a perspective sia...Especially kids, to me, no kid should ever go through such pain and sadness in life. They deserve more then that. A point to note is that..I have to be honest here..though I care for their cause, but I dont think I am able to like head on there and do any work or someting...think I havent reach that point yet. Thats why I admired those people that actually goes to such places and help these people.So yeap. Just something to point out.

IF n Regret

2012-02-04T00:39:00.002+08:00

Was walking along bukit timah road just nw...and was thinking about quite a couple of things. Well its truly a long road, walk like 20 mins and still haven reach NJC area...maybe I was walking kinda slow..haha. Thought of trudging all the way to botanic gardens,but...with a cardigan and pretty dark surroundings, dont think its ideal for someone to do any deep thinking sia..wad if kenna stun/rob or rape...oks nt rape...but u get the pic. lolz...so decided to abandon the journey at...i also dunno where..just opp some condo or smthg

So, the thoughts of what ifs, had I, I could of past situations came up in my mind. Coupled with well what am I doing actually...emo brings out everything else hur. But in anycase, its just another..hmm stock take of my current situation bah. Thinking through back, there had been many small but significant situations which I feel that well things would be a lot different.So to the guys(who is me as well), in other parallel worlds(if there are), YOU BETTER BE HAPPY WITH WHAT YOU HAVE SIA!...trolololol

Well, I use to like to say that I don't have any regrets, cuz I guess at that point of time, I would still make the same decisions lo. But, on hindsight, I do have regrets, sometimes I do thought of certain decisions that I made which was really 50-50, and maybe things would had been a whole different. Just that I just kinda accept it. No point living in the past and dwell onto the misses.

Along the bus journey back, with K-pop blasting in my years, a very strong voice awaken inside of me. You know...how to put it...just like a strong and assertive voice pops up in my head. "Enough of ifs, I don't want to think about ifs anymore!"...Erm something like that I guess. Its like a part of me is kinda sick and tired of the other side of me...the side of me who always was a coward to some extent. When faced with a particular situation, I would take the easy way out. Just retreat and do nothing, and wait for better headwinds instead.

Seems like I got another resolution to have already.

Here we go again...

2012-02-03T17:59:00.001+08:00

Listless n Unproductive. Bad phases to be when now its the time to mug n chiong..ha. Maybe the engine haven't really warm up enough. In any case, kinda got some "insider info" about something that I had been dwelling about for quite some time le. Dunno whether its just a correction or an indicator of bad news, but I guess thats the info bah. Relevant but not so reliable. Guess play safe would be a better option bah, since 50% was n supposed to be reliable. Suan le bah..its kinda like an impossible cause to do in the beginning.

Already feel like going backpacking and just go to somewhere and see the world already. I think I need a job like Ian Wright. Everywhere also travels....how nice. Anws, one of this year NY resolution was to control my emotions and feelings better, well looks like it has already began. Time to medidate, n watch Running man for my laughter medicine.

Speaking about the show, its kinda like a variety show that has a lot of comedic elements. I think everyone in life should always have a comedy show or gag show or wadsoever activity that makes one laugh in your life. I guess thats very very important in nowadays life, humans tends to be more =( den =) for some reason...and if u are like me, who is easily=/, den u def. need the happy pill. haha

被人好好珍惜

2012-02-02T13:33:00.000+08:00

可不可以別再受委屈你值得被愛
被人好好珍惜
只有我最懂你

awesome lyrics...absolutely depict my inner feelings. Never knew there could be someone out there with the same 바보 thinking..haha

Random World

2012-01-27T14:44:00.001+08:00

While closing my eyes....

I feel like I am in a world where sakura scatters from the trees and the wind blows gently. Sakura following the direction wherever the wind blows. Am seating on a granite table, with an empty notebook and a flask of hot green tea. Noticing the pebbled walkway as the leaves and sakura covers it. And just behind the waterway flows as gently as possible, the flowing water sounds that are so soothing to one's ears.

Its always the little things that counts..

2012-01-17T00:08:00.000+08:00

A friend shared this on my fb just now. And I feel that..well..maybe I should also shared it here on my blog for those whose newsfeed dont show my posts or well u are just nt my stalker=(...lolz.. There were a lot of small things that I overlooked everyday, some were neutral, with no impact on my life. Others came back and haunt me every now and then. And on hindsight, I think we as people tends to move so fast, tend to keep believing in the ultimate dream/goal, the dreams that others want us to live or maybe just a form of escapism for some, that we missed out on the present.

I remembered once while I decided to walk to my grandma's place instead of taking the bus, oks I was kinda emo I guess...haha...but anws, I was walking down. And I noticed for the first time how beautiful the evening sun was and when the wind blows, the leaves came tumbling down ever so lightly. I was taken aback, and a lot of people said that there is no TRUE nature here in singapore. While I was enjoying such a view and the wind against my face, it kinda dawned on me that I was so caught up with my problems as well as speed of life that I missed all these nature completely. The trees had always been there, the sun is the same though the wind is not everpresent=P. So, how on earth did I miss them out?

Moral of the story? Well, learnt to appreciate the small things or maybe the smallest action of any kind in your life, for each action there will be a reaction. Hence, no matter whether the reaction have any SIGNIFICANT impact on ur life or not, there is still an impact.

예린 addiction

2012-01-15T23:57:00.001+08:00

I am feeling like a dad already...ROFL

예린 귀엽다

2012-01-15T18:29:00.001+08:00

작은 예린

Was watching little yerin here, and no, I am no pedophile...haha. But, 아기를진짜귀엽다( baby is so cute). And though I don't really play much with kids, unless they play with me first...haha such a tua pai..but I enjoy watching them. Kids are like the epitome of true happiness. The sheer joy when they smile and the reckless things they do when not considering the rational or basic pros n cons behind their actions. haha...I think just by watching them, their joy is rather infectious=D...I think its some kind of spiritual therapy for the tainted soul in me...haha. So for ppl who well cant find anything to cheer up with, why not little YeRin here?...haha

Uncertainties In Life

2012-01-15T13:10:00.000+08:00

Certain doors should not be opened, but being inquisitive, I went to opened it. Guess I shouldn't have. Uncertainty is definitely scary thing, I might had said this before, but the only certainty in this world is uncertainty. I am uncertain about a lot of things, I done/thought/act upon things which I am filled with uncertainty, but at least I tried, and if things TRULY don't go my way, then just suck it up lor...cuz well not everything goes one's way does it, though it sucks...ha. Instead of wallowing in doubt and all, maybe one should just take the plunge? Of cuz it depends on each situation bah. I am also filled with uncertainty over stuff, but...hmm..who knows ?=)

고양이,미안 해요.

Some things never changed

2012-01-12T01:08:00.002+08:00

We may have changed, met various people, got involved in different situations be it physically n mentally, but for some reason, I guess when we are in each others' company, the common ground/trust/faith we have in each other is still as strong as when we started. Even though the logical mind of me tries to over-rule what my instincts say otherwise, unknowingly my instincts still took centre stage. Well like the age old adage, that I always like. "Always thrash things out, don't wait till it foster and rot."

When we were recollecting about how we first started out, my thought was after O levels results and I expected her to say over msn, but was rather surprised that she also said the same thing. Well, I guess some things really don't change bah..lol. And when she said or rather made certain promises, looking at her eyes, I can see the affirmation that she has, and for that, I think I have to honor my side of the deal also.

Usually when I talked, I don't tend to look at people in the eyes, for some reason I guess its my brain way of shifting brain power to ponder more about the subjects brought up or the crap/joke that I am going to conjure. But, if I want to affirm something, I would look at someone in the eyes, because eyes expression says everything and its near difficult to fake. And seriously speaking, if I didn't get the security or affirmation that I had envisaged, I guess I would have taken another route that I had already mapped out. One may asked, how could I be certain that I haven't already step on that route already. Well, the answer is simple. If I were to start on that route, I wouldn't have blogged about this in such vivid and obvious details, cuz I know YOU will be reading this. That person will understand.=)

On a bright note, at least I managed to get off to a good start to this year in terms of this friendship...haha. Its very easy to think about how amazing/magical/surreal we have achieved with each other, that its really easy to think that " aiyah the other party will understand" or " the other party should know me well", that we kinda forget that there is nothing magical or cool about it. Its actually takes a lot of effort, especially when both are changing and circumstances are different that we had to take the effort to try to adjust to each others' needs and insecurities(oks.... only me), as well as managing our inner complexities etc etc, ...n ultimately the belief that we have in each other that kept us together.

Maybe instead of being in sync, its actually and had always been, is whether I had enabled the sync-ing process a not. If one has an android phone, u would understand this...erm provided u knw hw ur phone works that is...HAHA. Gosh, I always amazed myself with my anecdotes.=P

Beginning of the Finale?

2012-01-01T21:47:00.000+08:00

So we said goodbye to 2011( 안녕 2011!!), hello 20112 (안녕하세요 2012!!). Seems that I didn't manage to break the 일백(100) mark for 2011 in terms of blogposts=P. Happily to say that, though there are more posts this year as compared to the past few years, this year not so emo lo. Haha..but there has been a lot of instances where I was swallowed up by my deepest demons and I react and do stupid things as well as screwing my ownself up a lot. For instance, during the debacle back in april, and I thank JY for helping me out and steady my boat in such choppy waters and pig as well for, well just being there=). The past year had been a good year in terms of studies, I managed to clear all my subjects and well still maintain a course towards 2nd upper. In terms of travelling, well last year also had been a bountiful year, with me going to taiwan,malacca,bintan and hong kong this year. And of course, my grandpa passing away. Oh and picking up 한국어=)

To summarise up 2011, I guess it would be nostalgia, acceptance, change and continuity. Seriously, I am very tempted to go thru everything that happened in 2011 again, I like self reviews..haha...but on today, the 1st Jan of 2012, i guess we should just leave them at their place, shall we? Which belongs at 2011.

Well then, 2012 the end of the world..etc etc...like I said before, I don't think its the end of the world. Rather, I would prefer to see it as a year where massive changes takes place, but not the end of the world. I can feel the changes already, or rather see it in my surroundings. New Year Resolutions?

Well, I am gonna let go a lot of things ...no point having expectations when it is based like 5 years ago, and that sometimes times change, but as long as I keep my end of the deal then thats should be enough, kinda tired of having those mental struggles with my mind over things that ain't the norm anymore. Oh and something interesting to note is that, I will be setting 6 months resolutions instead of a year...haha..i think its more effective that way. One is definitely to get my studies back on track, to strengthen my korean and to lose weight and as well as save MORE...like seriously...haha

Lastly for the hot topic of the year, r/s. I think 2011 has shown that I am def. nt ready for any r/s, well cuz, there are a lot of crushes here and there, a surprised fling as well, kept feeling insecure...no..I am not ready for it...but out of all these, there might be one...but...I shall leave it at that..haha...

One more thing is, I guess I said a lot of times already but I just still sort want to highlight this. Is that don't so easily believe or seriously take every word that I say, because what I say sometimes don't reflect what I am truly feeling or thinking. Although I am trying to apprehend that problem currently...lolz...so do be patient. I think people truly needs to observe me and know how to differentiate my true self as well as my fabricated one. Not many are able to do that, maybe its cuz I don't show true self often. There used to be one..but now ..who knows ..haha...anws HAPPY 2012!!!

To myself, smile more and think/feel with a bigger heart=)

Reality Check

2011-12-04T21:02:00.001+08:00

Yesterday, went for a bbq session with the 4E1 gang. There is visibly fewer guys this year, since most went overseas for exchange and stuff. But nonetheless, its still great fun hanging out with each other. You know...reality really hits you when you realise that topics changed as the years flows by. Initially we were like girls, army and clubbing...but yesterday was like CPF, job security and final year grades.How time flies sia...

Well, its not necessary a demoralising thought, but...well maybe its a wet blanket in the sense that there is so many factors of life that one has to consider and how nice if we could truly chase after things that really matters to us, rather than due to survival and commitments, we had to conform.

Yan cong was talking to me again about finding a job now and that instead of internships that I am currently aiming, I should trying to get a full time one. But, I didnt want to start in 2012, partly its also due to Master Lynn advice. I pointed out an observation to him about him and the rest of us. I told him that SMU kids always seems to emphasis on "selling" their resumes and stuff, u knw...like chiongsters ttm and I told him that NTU/NUS kids are more chill and they dont put that much thought into the chionging part, or in a way to "monetise" their CVs. SIM? ha...I think most of us just dont even bother too much about it...I guess even the most guai ones are more concerned with grades rather, of course, this is not true across the board hur.

Everytime I meet up with them, kinda give me a reality check every time. And thoughts flow through my mind, like I REALLY got to chiong and in some ways sell myself out to the world.I guess maybe my core friends aren't really like YC they all...but imho, i agree with YC. Because at the beginning, I am already at a disadvantage. Yes, it might sounds self defeating and all, but its kinda the fact. What I do with this fact that will make it a propellent rather than a weight. Seeing how both LY n zhenni struggle to find jobs, further enhanced this point. And with most companies expected a downturn next year, so jobs market will definitely suffer, hence my initial plan is to chill and try to learn new skills or get more "ammo" on my resume. Hopefully, able to attain a job in 2013 instead.

well maybe its a wet blanket in the sense that there is so many factors of life that one has to consider and how nice if we could truly chase after things that really matters to us, rather than due to survival and commitments, we had to conform.

the above words are from the 1st paragraph if you guys didn't notice..lol..but anws, I guess that it kinda sums up my outlook or rather should I say about life. And thats I guess, deep down is my ultimate goal. One of the few reasons of me chasing and learning about trading and finance is because I want to take money off my plate, so that I can enjoy the other food. When is it enough? I also don't know, but at least enough for me to not be a slave to it.

I shall stop here, hopefully this will push me on. So to you guys, lets keep on fighting for the things we truly want. HWAITING!=)

Bad mood day...

2011-11-30T13:01:00.001+08:00

Think today I woke up on the wrong side of the bed...feeling so emo nemo..nt wanting to do anything, a bit edgy as well...haiz...snap out of it..snap out of it

You Are The Apple of My Eye

2011-11-13T12:37:00.001+08:00

Yesterday went to catch this movie with cat, there has been a lot of fanfare regarding this film. Well, as usual I dont keep my expectations too high de..cuz its a coming of age film, and siriously..oops i meant seriously, i watch quite a couple of such show le.haha.

But, I have to say its a really entertaining show..def. not in the kind of WOW WOW level for me, if the show aims to come across as a romance show, I would say...its pretty cui. But, since its based on a true story to a large extent, naturally it will be a bit dan...well cuz reality is always diff from dramas. The show definitely done its job by hitting on the nostalgic part in all of our souls( evident by the crowds frequent cheers and laughters at key points).

As I told cat, many of the stuff the show portrayed, I had encountered quite a couple though definitely nt as flamboyant as in the show itself, but somewhere around there lor. It definitely give me the"啊，那些年的事。。。“ The stuff my schoolmates did in school and the crap we had and the fun we played on the teachers...heehee

Then, the portion of the romance part..well...its definitely a jump back to the past. The times when you fall in love for the first time, the pure innocent times, the childish feelings that one has, the unwavering concern for that person even though she is not yours..haha...ah those times...

Falling back to reality, it does bring me to this conclusion...wo lao le!!!!....ahhh...

Self Condemnation

2011-11-02T17:33:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, jianyang brought up a very good topic about self condemnation. Let me put it in layman words, its when one feel/condemn themselves to a certain level. The perfect opposite to self condemnation is a phrase that I could think of. If you think you are zai, you are zai. Simple. Its all in the mind. And maybe thats why Christianity has a quote about nt self condemning thyself. I ask him what about laziness, is it in someway self condemning as well? He reply tht I am nt lazy..lolz...of cuz, if comparatively to him.

But what I am most interested in, is how to get oneself to take the first step and work towards the goal. For example, studies...when I see QF, I am rather turn off by it and dont want to pick up the books liao. And then, various things just appear in my mind..like all the psychology thingy abt hw to push oneself, etc etc. See, the problems of over self-analysing...LOL

I guess the most important thing or rather the most essential thing is always always have a positive mindset and I think..roughly about 50% of problems will be solved automatically. Because I feel that we tend to always associate negative emotions with certain actions and in turn it will just turn us away from them. Like wad JY said, dont be so hard on yourself, maybe I should change my thinking and start taking baby steps. Seems like after so many years, this problem just doesnt goes away does it?..haha

Hope that someone dont lose herself in the messy and agitated situation she is in. The world is like the 5 tastes, it can be ugly but at the same time, there are other tastes out there, so dont be suck into the notion that the world is only a few tastes. Similarly, vice versa.

SIBEI SLACK

2011-10-26T16:45:00.000+08:00

Seriously, I think I am really damn slack liao...come on eugene, got to start the ball going and moving...i guess will pick up the books tml den..lolz

魚躍在花見

2011-10-21T23:00:00.002+08:00

Kinda like this show a lot...of course 80% is due to sashimi and sushi...and boy the sushi looks UBER OISHI...haha...I always got something for fishy stuff de...hehe...looking at the maguro, salmon and the other kinds of fish always get me high de. Anws, the soundtrack is also not bad.

Just now, caught the last episode just now. And I kinda like wad Julian's character said about fishing. He was emo-ing and liken fishing to life.

"Fishing is like Life. If you cast the net, you may catch a little fish or you may catch a whole school. However, if you don't cast the net at all, you will definitely catch no fish."

The Final Journey

2011-10-16T17:07:00.001+08:00

The last night of the wake, I stayed awake the entire night. Making sure that cats dont go near the coffin and making sure the joss sticks are still burning. There are times where I will be stoning around and wrestle with notions about death,time, rituals,pride and the realities of the world. The following morning, we did the last rites,and just at the last moments, a moth came down and circle around us. From my eldest cousin to my youngest uncle and finally landed on my eldest uncle head. Now some of you guys may not buy it, but my family firmly believes that my ah gong came back as a moth. Then it was time for sending the coffin off, it drizzles slightly, and we walk with the coffin and my dad and uncles pushes the van. My dad started crying loudly, and my other uncles started sobbing, but by then, the moth had already flown away. It was a silent ride to Mandai Crematorium, held a last ritual and then we went to the viewing room where the coffin was sent to the burning area. Everyone cried and sobbed...and then we went back before heading back to Mandai again to collect the ashes. And to place it at the tablet located in one of the blocks. During the transferring process of the remains to the urn, all of us had to take a piece of his remains and place it inside. And when there is not enough space, the shi fu use a pounder to pound the remains into smaller pieces. After that, we took the urn to the final resting place, and did the last rituals and all. And thats the end.

Therein ends a man's life. The final closure of a person's stay on earth and to wherever the next realm is.For the living? Its a time to mourn, to reflect to cherish and to acknowledge something that is known as mortality.

The Wake

2011-10-12T23:30:00.001+08:00

The next day morning, I went for my NIKE run...I guess I need to exercise so to calm myself a little. Some ask me why I still ran, and truth be told, I was slightly afraid of people saying that I wasnt doing the right thing because my grandfather just passed away and I straight away resume my normal life. In any case, I still ran. Lather that day, the family went down and change into the funeral clothes and were given a crash course of the rites we needed to do.

Sometimes, I had to burn the paper money for 4 hrs alone with the coffin beside me, my mind tends to wander and of course, the incense can be rather hypnotic as well...and initially, its kinda freaky. But, I just kept on doing and tried not to think so much. My eldest cousin, ran most of the show as he has experience before over at his maternal side, so it wasnt too bad. I rmbr when I was young, I had attended my great grand parent wake as well and being ever timid, I was really afraid of funerals. And now, I am the one who am more involved in the rites and stuff, kneeling in front of well wishers, folding the paper money, burning them making sure the joss stick is always lit and the incense.

Last day of the wake, so I didnt went during the day as I had school, only maine was with my parents as ernest had exams as well. Evening, we went down and participate in the last rites as well as the burning of the paper house and stuff. These few days of the wake, I observed that funerals in some ways like a mini gathering where relatives pop by and kinda re-acquainted with each other, chatting and catching up with each other. Where friends came down to accompany the family members. Chatted with my cousin, whom we are not very close, as we only see each other once a year...yeap you guessed it, CNY. Didnt managed to strike a convo with my eldest cousin, just the younger one who is of similar age with ernest. So at least, there were some exchange of words and thoughts, as well as to be able to know abt her.

During the rites, I noticed that there were some roles where the eldest of the grandchildren had to fulfilled and I thought to my maternal side. I am not insinuating here bt my popo whom I am also very close to, is also roughly ard the same age of my ah gong. And this time, I was afraid of taking up any responsibilities and stuff, so I kinda want to prepare myself. Nonetheless, I had a sudden urge to spend more time with my popo, because time is not on my side now.

The last night, I didnt sleep and spend the night at the wake, playing monopoly deal with ernest and my younger cousin, making sure that what need to be done is done, making sure no cats nearby. Sometimes when everyone else is asleep, I am the only one awake and I just walk ard the void deck.Soon day breaks.

The Passing

2011-10-12T23:07:00.000+08:00

I don't really know where to start, but I will try to have a comprehensive and details of my thoughts and observations over the past few days. As some of you may know, my grandfather had just passed away on last saturday. Its actually pretty mentally as well as physically taxing and draining to say the least. His passing was really out of a sudden from my POV, friday my family went out for a sumptuous dinner and the next day, we got news that my grandpa was in hospital due to heart failure. After my morning lesson, I went back and my Dad told us to head down to the hospital as most probably its the last time already. I wasn't that close to my grandfather due to an incident that I happened to witness and till this day I still rmbered it. So I thought I will not be so affected by it. Upon reaching the hospital, looking at all the tubes and machines being attached to my grandfather, then I felt the realities of death. He is already in coma when I reached there, Ah ma ask my sis and me to call out to him, speaking in hokkien, she told him that we were there, i called out once Ah gong, the second time, I choked and started tearing....she ask him to wake up, there was slight increase in blood pressure or pulse when we called out to him...seems that he can still hear us but he can't respond. The next 4 hrs, he experience 6 more times of heart failure, and the docs say that they had already done whatever they could....

Ah ma went home as she didnt want to stay there and see. My eldest uncle went back with her. Ard 6.20 pm, we went in and surround him, by then my other cousins had already arrive as well, we didnt knw what to say, there were silence among us as well as the constant sobbing sounds. Its really...heart wrenching, when we saw the pulse or blood pressure kept decreasing...60..14...11...eventually zero and the one straight line comes out. Then the adults left the ICU to handle the necessary procedures, leaving us..the grandchildren alone behind. We were silent throughout, and just look at him, each of us absorbed in our thoughts. I thought back everything and tried to see if I can recollect any memories of my Ah Gong besides that incident, I recalled some recollections when I was still young and he will bring me around the neighbourhood, speaking english to me as he is english educated unlike my maternal side.Before he got dementia, he will always be reading the papers in the morning while I would be eating my maggie mee with ernest or maine beside me. Then he will go out to central for his daily roamings, there was a few times where I bump into him at the interchange and say hi. Sometimes, I would avoid him...I dont knw...I guess its the youth period bah. I prayed during that silent period, when my mum came in and said its over and thats the end.

All 3 of us were tearing and sobbing, as I left the ICU, I saw young kids running around.Truly the hospital where life begins and where life will ends.

Thinkings of being a Singaporean

2011-09-27T02:34:00.000+08:00

Today, I spent most of the day reading on LKY's Hard Truths. The latest book that he decided to comes out. Truthfully, the reason why I chiong, its because I still have a couple of other books at hand I borrowed and hadn't got a chance to read. I just finally completed in an hr ago.Just a note of disclaimer here, I don't want to be misquoted or something, I am not a PAP supporter or something, I just have a certain set of beliefs that I subscribed thats all.

I used to think LKY is some kind of hard-nosed chap, someone like a Winston churchill character, you know, a mythological icon, the guy that created this country...etc etc. I knew how we Singapore progresses through time, all these from social studies and all though brain washing NE lessons.And seriously, this is my first LKY book I ever read, though all along my mum is an LKY supporter, but she never like forced me to read his stuffs.

Its only after this year elections, that got me worried as well as started a thirst in me to learn more about our country, how the system here works which is extremely important to me. Furthermore, international accolades had always been flowing all over the world about this guy, so i infer that hey, he is gotta be of some value, some stuff that is worth listening to him, if not why everyone in this world want a piece of him.

I am and had always believed in one thing. That is, one's life is dependent on oneself, and on no one else, not even the government.Maybe I am lucky because I lead a life where I am not exposed to a lot of harsh realities.However, I observed how and why some of my friends are really successful and others who are just stuck or worse, living a low quality kind of life. I read many biographies about successful people, went to listen to adam khoo seminar. And like what I had been saying for some time, it all boils down to DRIVE of each individual human. I like this example given by LKY, its that there is a doctor, whom rent out a part of his apartment to a china student. This foreigner knew that she had to work hard and master english if not she cant survive the system here, this girl being of 14 or 15 years old, would set up a canvas ard her and bought a light bulb so that she wouldnt disturb the doc's daughter sleep and study till 3 plus. The daugher saw this and finally understood why the chinese are always getting 1st in exams. Eventually, she also push herself and get frequent numero uno and all.

I am not saying that foreign talent is good or anything but I feel that if we want foreign talent, we should not give them the option to come here and study, get the best of our edu system, and just go back to their motherland. And at the same time, wasting our resources like space and subsidies.If they want to come here, they have to be ready to make the commitment here. Cause I heard of many just came here and study then go back.

Regarding on our government polices and systems, I totally understand the certain and unique needs that our country is in, and thats why we require unorthodox as well as unpopular polices. I always believe in being a realist, to be pragmatic and thats how I view things in life. Unfortunately, we humans are all innately different and coupled that with different set of life changing situations that we each goes through, so our mindsets are quite different.

With respect to the GE this year, I was so perturbed by such a divide among us that I wanted to draft out an email and send straight to the PM's office because I was afraid of irrational people power. I am afraid that we will be heading down the road of countries whereby polices that had to be implemented but cannot be due to politics or being unpopular. On a sidenote, I also want to highlight the structural problems in management in civil sector and stuffs. I guess I was really afraid of losing this quality of life that we have now.

Recently, read an article written by a former senior civil servant whom actually say that this GE is a wake up call and that he believes that the majority of the electorate are intelligent and can make the right choice.So in a way, WP knocking down a GRC is a good thing. Even LKY was rather nonchalent about the notion that one day the system will fall due to the new mindsets of the leaders. So, maybe I was just thinking too much of it.

Some arguements that I read about PAP and things and that, majority I felt that its really unfair and biased in some cases as well. When I was in taiwan, I discuss the political situation quite often with maine. Maine who had lived in taiwan for 6 months, felt that a lot of things we had taken for granted and she really felt grateful for the stuffs we had, it made a lot of sense. Some of my friends kept complaining about how bad SG is, but then why are ppl want to come here ? and why so many want to jump from PR to citizenship? Wont their children be facing the same kind of problem that current youngsters are facing as well? There got to be some reason behind this decision. So I guess there may be something that we are doing right here.

In anycase, enough about the politics stuff here, I think I had spent enough neurons and anxiety on it le. However, some thing that I had learnt was that as long as I have the drive and common sense, I should be able to excel and maximise my potential in this country. Its just all about how much I want something, is it so much that my life depends on it and whether I got the determination to make it work. One thing I have in admiration for LKY, was his drive and determination. I am seriously in awe at his characteristics, I mean this guy here could have been killed by communists, could have been wrong in his political decisions as well as his convictions. However, he pressed on and is f***** stubborn in his beliefs. And due to that we have what we have today.

Even he said that he didnt wanted to enter politics, its just that he wanted stability in this country. And because of that, this country is born. I guess this latest book had been the most insightful for me to date. At least now I know what kind of guy he is and his train of thought. I guess most people will say this is propoganda and etc maybe it is maybe its not. I only look at the results and this systems works for us if not we wont be at this stage today. Ideologies and theories are just thinking that is set within a certain social parameters, its only when the results are the same as the forcasted results, then the theory is true. If not, it just remains a myth or should I say, a false hope. Just like the notion of UTOPIA.

Singtel Singapore F1 Grand Prix

2011-09-27T01:00:00.002+08:00

It had been an awesome weekend at the Singtel Singapore Grand Prix, maybe its the same thing that I had been through last year, so this time not so..hmm...as refreshing as last year? But nonetheless, its still enjoyable and adrenaline pumping with crushes to alguesari and schumacher this year, and as not surprisingly, vettel won. I am not sure, whether I will still be joining next year because I dont want to kenna the Observer post, as there is a lot of stress on observers. Hopefully, can still maintain my post as flag or track marshals. This year, we are also lucky to have a korean, and naturally, I communicate more with him but in english of course and not korean( still damn cui can)...haha. However, his english also rather limited but still able to hold conversations well enough.

One thing that strike me was that he was always commenting how well organised our planning is for F1 as well as that our city skyline is awesome, especially at night. The first few words that he said to me was how beautiful our country is. Being the skeptical singaporean, I thought its just probably lip service. However, the next few days as I spoke more to him, he was really quite in awe of our country. Maybe because he didnt have the chance to travel much. But, hearing abt how the koreans organise their grand prix, it seems that we are rather good. I told him, our procedures and stuff mainly comes from the SAF, as there are really quite a couple of stuffs that we do are similar to SAF procedures and methodology.

These are some of the few moments where I really felt really proud of being a Singaporean. I am really thankful for some of the policies that LKY and his team had implemented though its really stiffling at times, but I am sure without them, we won't be able to be where we are. And sadly, some of us forgets that. Oks this won't be abt politics and the gov. haha

Anws, will post the photos up once I collate them from my other sector mates. Oh and again this year concert with linkin park, was really AWESOME!!!!

1988 coin!!!!

2011-09-16T23:13:00.001+08:00

This is pretty lame, but I suddenly realise that time flies...I just recently found a coin that is as old as I am!!!...a 23 year old coin!!!! congrats on making this far, coin, I am sure you had past through many hands and who knows you might even had the chance to make it over the seas!!...Realise that we two had many in common, we both survive 23 years and we both had our fair share of our experiences...lolz

In the space of 4 days, I realise that 2 guys are getting married already. One my age and the other at 26....Marriage...tht word seems so far-fetched to me, I am still enjoying my youth at the moment...cant see myself getting tied down siol...lol...but seriously, how time flies sia

Snail-Pace

2011-09-11T22:02:00.002+08:00

This weekend had been a rather...hmm..or rather should I say uneventful weekend. Though ytd was great, hanging out at coffee bean and at CBD area with lappy....however one cannot felt but feel that it kinda gets lonely. Machiam like no programme de...haha

I dont feel like gaming nowadays...oh man...becoming old le, no interest in games liao...lolz...oh wells maybe I should go and do more training in another game call stock market...lolz..Oks i guess I am really bored...cuz my post also seems to be short....lolz

I think I should attached a list of things I want to do that is in my head currently

Set up a foodie blog.
A blog on stock markets and strategies
a photo journal

Haha....but I am really kinda lazy to start moving....seriously...lol

Roaming The Island with my Portables

2011-09-10T14:38:00.000+08:00

Ah yes...this is the life..haha. Currently at church street,CBD, there....at coffee bean, my book,using my phone's internet and laptop....with air con...shiok! This is the reason why I get this laptop...though i have to say it put kind of strain on my shoulder...but at 1.82kg, mai hiam lah..most avrg laptop weighs at 2.1 to 2.3 kg....which after awhile will be quite substantial lo.

ROAR!!!

2011-09-05T00:52:00.000+08:00

Told cha I was bored...haha...experimenting with my webcam on my vaio=P

Yo..yo..

2011-09-05T00:39:00.000+08:00

Well...decide to have some updates here.Been some time that I had blogged. Haha. Work at ENF as finally ended, kinda gonna miss the fun with the gang. So far, korean lessons had been fun, but the recent one got me rather stress siol...a bit cheem with the pronunciation and stuff. Well then, I also gotten a new laptop. A sony vaio SB series. Cost me 1.5K!!!!O.0..can feel the pain sia.But i guess its high time le...anws its less than 2kg, so its pretty portable lor...which suits me=)

Finally i can hit a goal of having a laptop wherever i am, be it starbucks or mac when i need time to myself, to read and surf the net.Ups lah.Well since i last stated that i am back to being a minimalist, i guess life has been rather cool to some extent. Have some new goals, and there is still tht wee bit of motivation for me to go after them. Well, except this morning when I miss the AHM 10km...haha.

Nw at least i am back to having the kind of light feeling, the kind of "nt much burden" feeling lor. Though there are times of feeling a bit lost, but I guess its a good start. Trying to improve some aspects like speak without thinking and stuff...but overall, its good.=)

I am just wondering to keep on praising my new lappy..but i guess you peeps will be like STFU...haha...kks will upload pics soon...actly i wanted purple de, bt apparently out of stock, so left with the all black which is the next nicest liao.

Restarting as a Minimalist

2011-08-21T00:39:00.005+08:00

Recently, I feel like I am pretty much like a paper floating with the wind. A lifeless, yet seem to be full of life object. An object that follows the wind(surroundings) direction, if the wind is super strong, the paper will bend and fold and unfold itself. Seems to be so full of life, yet at the same time, it seems that the paper has no will of its own.

I remember a phrase that says " In order to learn something, we have to unlearn things that we were taught". This phrase is not a phrase that is fully correct, well nothing is absolute in this world, ain't ? If it is, then naturally everything will happen as according to what it should be. However, we all live in our very own assumed worlds. We would expect certain things to be there, be it family members, loved ones, friends and even right down to our home. Lately, there has been a lot of things that I had expected, its not wrong, in fact sometimes it is right. However, I always question myself whether the expectations that I expected is due to a result of false expectations. Due to the events that I had passed through in life, the ups and downs of my 23 years in earth, I had a certain mindset and a subconscious way to how I would react in my life. Maybe its because I had been too afraid, afraid of the future, afraid that eventually I would end up like some of my uncles.

There had been many a times when I feel scared/frustrated/angry/irritated/self-pity for myself. I think back of the past, what kind of person I am, the kind I am now, yes there had been many changes. There were good and bad. On reflection, I feel that I have more bad habits as compared to the past. Yes, there are things such as being able to bounce back quicker after a bad fall, being more open to people, etc. However for every good thing, I think there is an increase of bad habits. I realise that I became more and more drifted away from my aims and I am beginning to feel like an aimless wanderer. I became very reliant on people, I wallow in self pity yet at the same time, I am in denial. I am no longer the person where I can forgive nor understand another's situation anymore, I feel that I am getting more petty. I care a lot more about myself and want to protect myself more. Looking back at the words I wrote, I said I was more open..but on hindsight, maybe I had became more closed as now I am always trying to avoid getting myself hurt. I feel that I had always expect a certain person in my life to be always there when I needed someone, but I guess thats pure selfishness on my part. Yes, that person had always been there, helped me, but I think there is no such thing as forever or rather every time. It may be in the past, but it definitely wont be in the future or the present. I guess I just got to let it go.

Maybe I had given up all hope in things that I had believed so so strongly in the past. Even right now, I am still blaming others in my mind. I want to blame everyone else except myself. I want to blame people who had not given me the due respect sometimes, blame people for not reciprocating when I had gave my all, blame the gods for not letting me what I want, though I feel that I had sacrificed a lot. Blame people for not supporting me, etc etc.

Life has just gotten too much complicated for me already. And its has nothing to do with the world, its just myself. Myself that had made the world's actions look like they were out to harm me. Actions that is always negative. And thats why I am going back to my roots. The period where I went back to the basics, to the time where I require minimal things.

I think there may be some things that I cant fully let go, as I am just way too afraid of what may happen. But, I will try.And for certain things or rather most things, I am going to forget it all, to unlearn it, so that I can try to start on a clean slate. Just like me changing my blogskin, if you realise, its pretty minimalist in nature. I am going to smile from now on, and this time it wont be just on my face. It will be from my heart and that I meant it. It has been far too long since I had the calming and peaceful feeling in my heart.

I am going to try to feel again, I guess I had not use my true feelings and my gut feeling for a period of time. I am not going to be afraid anymore, I will set things right.

Words dont mean anything, words are very easy to say. Actions are worth way much more.

Pure Rants

2011-08-14T17:20:00.002+08:00

DTTM DTTM DTTM DTTM

2011-08-13T10:19:00.003+08:00

expectations. expectations. the bane of my life.

2011-08-13T10:06:00.000+08:00

hmm after taking a quick nap of abt 4 hrs, regarding the previous post, I might have been too "xin zhong xia zai"...as wad jy said, dont expect so much from her. again I am expecting a lot...i dont really get it why i am always expecting so much from a particular person, or lets put it specifically, from ppl I always have a liking to. i need to change.

2011-08-13T04:54:00.002+08:00

Actly i was rather pissed off at first but nw after reading sam's blog, i became a little more worried so I think that kinda offsets things. Anws, so most probably the nervousness i felt during work was rather accurate. I had a thought during work whether I was right in bringing J along to the event. but in the end, we still go ahead.I dont knw whether its the appropriate thing to do, but I placed my hand over her shoulder while taking a photo and was shot back with a " what are you doing?"... I mean thts oks....but towards the end, when she said tht jianyang was a bit anti-social. I ask why? she said tht she always tries to sit between both of us bt jy would always want to sit beside me. I didnt ans tht. Because jy knew that i am still kinda interested in her and thts why he did tht. However, I dont knw whether I have the right to be angry...because it just feel totally wrong. Cuz its like if someone brings u to the event, I mean is there even a need to try to get close with another person? though you knew this guy is a close friend of mine? do one even need to keep trying to sit beside him? I just feel that its like she dont even put me into consideration...so you can just happily socialise and where am I?...I hate these kind of feelings where at one moment I am angry, and the next moment, you start questioning urself whether am i suppose to just let it pass and that its normal...Seriously.

I always knew she is damn insensitive, but to this extent? or maybe i am just too sensitive...I dont knw lah. Its always feel like I am always giving and being accommodating but in the end? I am always getting hurt, getting upset, getting in conflicts with myself. I mean nt just this occasion, but my life in general, I just don't understand why...is it because I always seem to be an OK zai? is it because I am suppose to be impervious to any insensitivity? or like maybe like wad jy previously said, I always put others before myself too much? why?...

Life ah life, I hope that you will treat me kinder from nw on, I dont knw when I will just break and end up as someone that will not take and bother abt other's opinions in the future, a person that is always feeling skeptical abt interpersonal r/s, a person that given up hope on people and r/s. Is this all karma? or bad fs? or wad?...I just dont knw..is it because I am weak and such things should be taken in my stride. So I got to be a sponge again?i am sorry to said i got a finite capacity to such insensitivities in recent times, and sometimes I really cant stomach it. haiz and somehw its always her that dealt out such tough strikes on me=/

2011-08-07T00:40:00.000+08:00

actually wanted to blog abt something but..apparently I am having a mental block...thinking of quite a couple of stuff, dunno where to begin...and wad to do...lol...so nw just post this for fun lor...

2011-07-21T23:18:00.002+08:00

葉正明

Oks, this might be rather random...but recently due to the discussion of my name among marcus and hui min. I noticed something rather true. Have you guys ever heard that your name actually determines your character? or maybe your life?

As you can read from mine, my chinese name is 正明 which is proof in chinese. Or in another noun, Prove. And I think its rather reflects a lot about my character as a person as well. I discovered that I am someone that is always trying to prove to people that I am that zai...that I am etc etc. Furthermore, when faced with problems/challenges/situations, I don't really admit defeat, I will try to carry on to prove that its doable. But, of course thats before laziness sinks in lah. I don't like it when people in some ways disregard me or treat me as insignificant( could be also due to pride aka ego=P) hence I always try to prove to people that " hey, helloz I am here...yoohoo" actions.

I wonder how I can use this "prove" attitude so to be able to push myself and achieve things. I want to prove to people, to myself that I can get where I want to be. That, actually its possible. Everytime I think of proving to people, proving to myself there is this burning feeling inside of me that I must go all out, go and do it. I guess instead of forever saying that I should plan or I should think of what to do next or make the best move. I think I should throw caution to the wind and at the same time, to change my way of thinking and re program some of my life protocols.

At the same time, I feel that I always want to prove to people, even to people that I like, prove that I did this did that...machiam I want them to know that "hey, I have been doing this and that" etc...Maybe I just want to see results, to see the ball bounce back. But, the ball dont bounce in only one direction does it..

2011-07-21T22:38:00.000+08:00

"A baby named PRIDE"

I guess for everyone of us, we have a "baby" inside all of us. You know, babies are like the most sensitive creatures ever. When no food, they cry. When no attention, they try to get your attention. When they feel threaten, they cry. At times they throw tantrums. Its like they are scared of everything in the world. It reminds me a lot of FMA: Brotherhood, the anime. Where one of the villian is called PRIDE, and when he is defeated, his true form is a baby. He is just scared of a lot of things and uses his pride and powers as a way to prevent himself from being hurt.

Well, I think it sort of surface for me today. There is this enf officer who I am working with, whom is the kind of straightforward kind of person. Erm..the kind of person that will say " fuck off" in the face and the kind that cant stand people who..well...not up to standard lo. He kinda gives me the kind of feeling where I feel pressurized and when I am pressurized, the "baby" in me surfaces. Where I will try to show that I can keep up with him and that I know my stuff. Its tht kind of being overpowered feeling, such that I became rather fake, and I will say and react in some ways that its damn obvious I don't know anything but I try to act as if I knw. Which well it just worsens the situation lo.

Well, so I am thinking of how do I go about? Like in the future, there will be many more of such people that I will definitely meet. So, how do I go about not feeling overpowered? Such that I don't get scared and become a baby. Naturally, there are 2 options. One, is to keep building up blocks of defenses so that no overpowering force can penetrate and affect the baby in me. Two will be to try to minimise the baby or destroy the baby in me. Alternatively, will be to combine the 2 options lo.

I dont think I had destroy nor minimise the baby in me, I had plainly increase the defenses ard it for the couple of years. But, there will be days where I will feel small and noob. Also, there will be times where my defenses can get blown away such as in the above case. Maybe I just had to maintain my concentration for a longer period of time and not be afraid of things.

Somehow, in some way, I kinda felt indignant...like as if my pride is dented or something. LOL...its like I hate this feeling of being weak and that I showed it. But like in the anime, I guess this is why in PRIDE the villain, his true form is a baby. One just want to be comfortable and in an ideal world where I am the boss. I think thats what constitutes PRIDE as a sin. When we become so prideful, that if someone out there in some ways "humiliate" us, we will "retaliate". When our pride is dented, we will want to prove that "hey, actually I also know can" that kind of feeling lor. And I think thats pretty automatic in me, when unconciously, I will try to react in a way so to show that I also know as well. And that I am not weak. In other words, I dont want to show that I am weak or noob.

Actually the act of whining, the thoughts of impossibility, the times of being afraid...these are all reactions from the "baby" inside. I guess one of the ways to overcome this baby, is well...just plain confidence. Confidence that one is able to perform at a certain level, confidence that even if in the face of a fall, one is able to stand up again, confidence of a humiliation that one is able to laugh it off and accept that one has his limitations gracefully.

To end it off, I hope that I am able to admit my limitations in the future and not try to be as if I am someone in the know, where in fact, I don't. At the same time, I want to be improve in the levels of concentration. I feel that my concentration span is rather short, thats why sometimes I will zoned out and people get the impression that I am rather blur. Wonder is it like a computer when the CPU runs at 100% and the whole com lags? Similarly, its like when I am under pressure, I am considering so many options and thoughts that I zoned out as a result of it .

2011-07-20T23:19:00.000+08:00

Recently,I twitted something life being messy and a bit aimless which is true. Somehow, I just feel like I got quite a couple of things in my mind, and that I don't really have the time and personal space to sort things out. Hopefully, the bintan trip next weekend will do the trip. To have a getaway with my fellow homies lor. On the whole, life had been rather good, I am blessed with wonderful working colleagues. Marcus and hui min , have been very entertaining and funny....everyday just horsing ard and yet we are doing our work. So its kinda fun. Hopefully, we can still work together in august and possibly, still meet up once my stint with enforcement ends.

2011-07-16T01:05:00.001+08:00

bits and pieces, here and there

should be going to jb tml, even now I am not sure with not much replies on fb event page, I dont know what are we going to do in jb, but just roam ard lor...see the turnout tml how as well...lol..actually when jon pulled out and yc said that he might nt make it in time...I was kinda sianz lor...its pretty much like say oks oks then dont go liao. I guess a lot of times, not everything will go according to plan bah, but in anycase, maybe if I dont bother about such things, about being pangseh, or maybe about why things arent the same. I guess maybe life will be much easier to live by bah...sometimes I feel that I bother a lot of the little things, well, I dont think its entirely wrong. As I feel that by getting the little things right, will then the whole entire process will work out properly. Its sometimes a lot of people neglect these little things that eventually lead to the whole process failing.

However, I think this mindset cannot be applied to everything just as there is no fixed answer to anything in life. There are different ways de. So I guess society doesnt works in a rather predictable way, I will just have to reconfigure myself so that...well...at least I can live without being grumpy=P

And who knows things might take a better turn? haha...yeah lor.

Actually I guess sometimes, interacting with people somehow makes one feel less angsty in someway. Like during work, when I sometimes chat with people, I hear their stories, I listen to their troubles....way from my job hur...but I guess I m pretty thankful for that because in concen, I doubt I can have a chance to listen to such stuff. Hearing people laugh at some stuff that we accidentally do, hearing people who asked how are you, people who are sincere in knowing whats going on and being thankful when you managed to help them. I guess its some sort of makes one's day. But of course there are some idiots but thats just life isn't ?

Had quite a great outing just now with the army guys and the 3 嫂子s...haha...sharon, SC and shu hui...wah all start with S..LOL...pretty good, chatting with the guys abt the past, the present and the possible taiwan trip as well as disturbing benny...lol. And the 3 嫂子s were nice, though I think SC didnt really interect with the other 2. I guess she is more comfortable with benny and us bah..haha. Sharon and shu hui were friendly..haha..though for some reason in the past, I always thot that sharon is rather aggressive...LOL...

2011-07-10T15:22:00.000+08:00

Thoughts on coming back.

Well then backed from taiwan...haha. Missed the time of walking around and taking photos without having to be bothered by the realities of life and the strangling tentacles of a 8 to 5 job. One thing that I definitely take back its that my mandarin really sucks. lolz...cant really hold a proper conversation over there. Read some menus also cui ttm...lolz. There is really one period of 60 minutes that I really like during the entire trip. Was when my mum and sis went to have a hair cut and my dad went to have a foot reflexology. I just wandered along the couple of streets on my own, to the back alleys and walk along the couple of streets and buy 50岚 bubble tea which is actly KOI in taiwan. Took a few photos with my android phone, no DSLR wad..haha...then went to the mrt station and sit and just people watch while waiting for my family to finish.

I think its really cool to be able to do such stuffs in a foreign land. Also, majority of the transport that I took were buses and mrts, so its pretty much on the ground. Its really different from the last time I been to taipei, cuz we were just shopping ard and not so much about moving and looking around. We went to jiu fen by train and boy its really awesome, I mean its really a train you know, with rails and all. I took many shots of stations along the way and really reminds me a lot of Japan for some reason.

Went to kao shiung and cycle most of the time, cycling while exploring the city. Its also another kind of experience lor. Very different from those kinds of bus tours and packages. From tours to F&E to back packer exp, I think back packers is really truly interesting notion. If can gather a small number of friends and just trudge through a foreign land, I think its pretty awesome and of course, one must get use to the language as well lah. I dont think I dare to roam ard in a land with a language that I cant even speak or listen.

The few times when with charmaine and walking around, I think its kinda fun, just walking around and taking the mrt and buses. Although mostly its maine that is leading the way, but I feel rather...hmm...close to the ground one might say. I feel that maybe one great thing about travelling is that because one is so preoccupied with the surroundings around himself and the various cultures and mannerisms of the place, so much so that you kinda kick away the restrains of the previous life routines that you once had. And learnt to embrace the current one that one is in.

2011-07-10T13:50:00.000+08:00

Maybe its just the change of the kind of friendship that I am bothered and not so much about the interwoven intricacies of the friendship that is really bothering me. And that may eventually be boiled down to the parties involved on how to maintain the kind of friendship. But knowing thyself, it may be eventually a tussle with my own mind and all. And am I having a certain kind of mold on how friendship should actually be?

2011-06-22T22:13:00.000+08:00

Today hasn't been exactly a good day, maybe the day sucks or the sun not in the right place...wait what am I saying, obviously the sun is in the right place. Today, had a rather bad day at work, argued with a stupid woman who thought that a penalty fee is like a marketplace in thailand where you can bargain. Bloody idiot, you 3 times late, and you are trying to tell me to waive for you, I already kind enough to give you a 50% reduction. You have 2k plus income per month and cant even fork out 75 bucks?! Seriously man, make a mistake go and pay, argue so much say whether I know tax legislations...so what if you are an accountant?, say whether I know my tax legislations...say don't know that file late and will get penalty...just now an old man told me that last time he was arrested when he didnt file 20 years ago, and today you tell me that file late no penalty? its like your boss ask you to submit a report on time but you are late and your boss says its ok? dumb ass...Seriously, even if you complain about me, the most I resign lor...still dare to ask me how old I am and say whether I know my stuff, I didn't work here for 2.5 years and not know such a simple tax rule.

After work, shouldn't have told marcus certain things, havent exactly thought about things through yet. Oh wells, anws its not really a commitment, just a thought recently.

2011-06-20T23:10:00.001+08:00

I think I need an anchor somewhere in my life...

2011-06-20T23:04:00.000+08:00

More attention please...LOL

Recently, been thinking abt sam recently, been quite sometime since we last contacted, well I don't usually msg her de since she is kinda bz always and her schedule more tight...so she is someone whom I don't take initiative to contact or org any meeting and rather when she is free, then hopefully she will contact me. But sometimes, I do wonder whether as friends, I should do my part in contacting her. Or is it my pride that is pulling me back for some reason. I remembered she once mentioned that unlike her other friends, I don't give her the feeling that I need to be in some ways " taken care off" or should I put it, worried about...because she feels that I don't usually bother her with things and stuff...Oks fine, I feel neglected. lolz...told you all before I need attention de...lolz

Somehow, I can visualise her saying " I also hardly got time for other friends"....lol...It kinda sucks to think that work and a difference in surroundings can cause some friends to be less involve in your life and it kinda sucks to sometimes think why the reason your close friend don't contact you. Is it because they are really bz? Or is it because of some insecurities?...Asymmetric Information again..ha...my favourite word.

To my other friends out there, I also need your attention ah...ROFL...seriously sounds like some kind of attention seeking whore...lolz...maybe like a certain hilton..haha

2011-06-20T22:43:00.000+08:00

Updates

Oks its been some time since I last blog. Let me see about 15 days? which is 2 weeks liao..haha and pig complain that I never blog like in ages liao...haha. Time flies as usual during the holidays, went to Malacca recently over the weekend, first time work till late in office. Who says gov staff ends at 5 de...lol..i stay till 7 and I am only a temp staff for goodness sake.

Last week was kinda a shiong week since i mostly work till 7 and got an outing after work, watch x men lo...really an epic show should go and watch for those who haven't. Then on the way home with tee yan, zhenni msg me some seriously suicidal msg, I ask ty whether is it really tht bad...lol..dunno why I ask him that as well..as if he knows her like that. Maybe I just want to justify myself to go down to her place. Bluff her and said that I was at dhoby and able to reach her place in 10 mins, actly I was at bishan..took a cab down. And if she is similar to me, than usually when we are very rational in normal sense, we will be really irrational if things happens in our own lives. So I thought I should be there to balance things and be the rational side of things lo. Stayed till 2 am, got to cab back as well...lolz...but in any case, at least she was feeling better....the sms we exchanged prior meeting up was rather epic..haha.

She said she not sure she can leave the hse a not, than she was going on abt her parents fight and stuff and how her family sort of neglected her and the family quarrelling and stuff...I told her to just walk out and tell her parents that I am downstairs and anything she will be back. Cuz I think she needs some cooling time. Got half the mind to go up and drag her down..haha..but stop myself as its other people's family biz..so not very nice to cha shou. Thats one epic day lo....or should I say night..haha

2011-06-05T22:54:00.001+08:00

Analysis Paralysis

I chanced upon this term while reading a book last week. So was just reading about the definition on it. It happens when one over-analyze a situation , so that no decision is ever made thus paralyzing the outcome. I think I am guilty of such paralysis a lot of times, when I start to think of all possible outcomes that eventually, I do not know which one to choose and ends up not doing anything. I like a particular story I read while searching the definition.

Its an Aesop's Fable, where the fox boasts hundred ways of escaping whereas the cat only has one. So when the hounds came hunting, the cat climbed the tree while the fox was thinking what sort of method should he used. Needless to say, the fox was killed. Moral of the story is " Better to have one safe way rather than a hundred which you cannot reckon."

So are you guilty of analysis paralysis as well?

2011-06-05T22:06:00.002+08:00

Dramas and Reality

Alrighty. here is another post for you peeps...haha. Just completed Secret Garden( korean drama) today.=) Its really not bad, quite a ride lo...Funny, then Sad and Funny again eventually kind of a happy ending. So its not bad at all. Koreans are really the king of romance and dramatic shows sia, always extreme de...lolz.

Was just thinking about the correlation between dramas and reality. Because, well there had been people that commented that dramas don't really reflect reality, because how many times will you actually see a rich kid getting along with a poor person and stuff like that. Well, to me I think drama though shows the extreme scenarios of life but the underlying emotions and scenes kind of depicts reality as well. But of course, it could be the dramas that causes society to react in such a manner as well or the other way round. Haha...its just another chicken and egg question=P

I know of friends' lives that had always been dramatic, ever since I knew them, its just somehow seems that they are always in some kind of a drama, be it are they the lead or the supporting casts. In my own life, i also seems to have some kind of drama as well in the past. And maybe thats why I can relate a lot to such shows, well, it might be due to the same feelings that I had as well. But, such pure and innocent emotions yet destructive and all, can they survive in this world? Is the world a kind of society that is reflected in the drama? Where somehow the cast can totally focus on a relationship and don't bother about any other commitments in life? Maybe. Maybe not.

In my case, I don't really know whether its a first love thingy or not, but those feelings like giving up everything for a person,thinking abt tht someone is happy and well, putting her first before everything else, protecting her even at the expense of myself etc etc, I have been through it...is that true love? Maybe it is...its pretty amazing sometimes when i think back, and thought that..wow..I am like that male lead..and yet I don't really watch romance shows in the past...cool that I even went through all that. haha. Now while typing all of this, I can somehow feel those feelings bit by bit, the happy n the sad bits. I think such shows always bring the past up hur...haha...but now its different.

Because of my stand n perception are different as compared to then. I can connect with such feelings again but I can't feel the strength in them now. Unlike the dramas normally, I don't really have an ending that I had hoped. However, because of this "drama", my life changed drastically, and it allowed me to meet so many people that I would have not met and discover. Angels like a particular animal, my good old army mates, secondary school mates that I don't really communicate much and many other individuals who had listened to me in some way or another. Gomawo~

2011-06-03T23:45:00.000+08:00

Alice: Will You tell me which way I should go?
Cheshire Cat: It depends on which way you want to go.
Alice: I don't really care where I go.
Cheshire Cat: Then it doesn't matter which way you go.
Alice: I want to arrive at some place.
Cheshire Cat: You have to end up at some place, if you walk long enough, that is.

2011-06-01T23:40:00.000+08:00

I think sometimes fate or life or whatsoever, rather interesting to note is that she will put a veil across our eyes and in the end, create a false reality. Interestingly, this veil always seems to be the same kind always. It flutters for awhile, disappear for some time, came back, disappear and reappear. Rather irritating if u ask me. Maybe its that time of the season...or maybe I have just realise that maybe I am not truly the master of thyself...*shrugs*

Its always seems to be ard u that I say things without consideration, without a care and cautious thought. It always seems that I show my unhappiness even to u. However our skirmishes are far too little, I don't understand you. I don't even take much notice of you, so why...tell me why are u always appearing in my mind every now and again as a veil that confuse my reality with fiction?

2011-05-29T17:03:00.001+08:00

Yawns. Procrastination. Procrastination. Procrastination

2011-05-24T22:01:00.001+08:00

Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood

" A Lesson without pain is meaningless, because you cannot gain something without sacrificing something else in return. But, once you endure the pain and overcome it, you will gain a heart that is stronger than anything else. A Fullmetal Heart." ~ Edward Elric the Full Metal Alchemist.

The past few days, I had been chionging the above anime. Its about alchemy and things like that. Basically, it revolves round a law called Equivalent Exchange, which basically means one gain and lose something of equal importance. A really apt way to describe life and in many ways, the ways of the universe.

I think this idea is pretty existant in many things that we studied. Like in Accountancy, We must always debit one side and credit another ledger. In Economics, we have the concept of Pareto Efficient, at a particular allocation that one cannot gain something without causing another to suffer a loss. In Phyics, with Newton 3rd's Law, where there are 2 similar magnitude forces but working against each other in different directions. Hence, this is definitely a trait that we as humans actually have. The art of receiving and the notion of sacrificing.

2011-05-20T23:12:00.000+08:00

A.A.R

Today was the last paper. I realise that I had been playing the wrong strategy all along. But whatever the case, its all already over. I don't want to start anything about the past, the exams and all. So, I took some time to reflect...you know to have an AAR..ahaha...sorry sounds so army like=P

When I think back of the past 4 weeks, I realise that these 4 weeks, I was rather fearful. I was fearful of so so many things. I am afraid of course about the results, but....Well, last year I have a breakdown, this year I had a fear that cripples me...todays paper was the first paper and ironically the last as well, that I wasn't afraid of the paper. I think because I enter the exam hall with a mindset of whatever liao...maybe its because, I accepted that I can fail. I don't really bother about the questions, to me, its like I will try my best with the questions lo and answer whatever way I know. Truth be told, I seriously smoke to the max...but somehow its fun, its like I enjoyed it though I am sure I lost 25 marks already. Unlike all my other papers, I was nervous, no time...rushing ...the usual stuff lo. These recent days, penultimately to today's paper, I was thinking of the possible scenarios n steps to take if I fail, JY said I shouldn't think that way. But, at that point of time, I know that if I don't find out these stuff, there is no way I am going to be able to concentrate on my last min chionging. Or maybe should I rephrase..its to be at peace with myself. I feel that I have a very complicated and yet unstable soul. I am like a subconsciously hypocrite.

Its strange and I think its rather uniquely me, that I like to tie all sort of stuffs with negative emotions. Maybe because I want people to sympathise with me subconsciously or to put it more correctly, I want people to recognize me. Yes, I think thats the word. I always got this feeling that I somehow want people to say" yes, eugene thats the way" or " yeap, you are right" or " Wow...how do you achieve this and that?"

And thats something that I want to change, because I don't want my life to be filled with negative emotions as well as indirectly living my life for others' recognition. And maybe thats why I feel that I am a disturbed soul. A soul that is not at peace with his mind, and with that brings with so much negativity and fear.

Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.

I always find this saying to be very apt in reality. Its always start with fear, and that it lead to the subsequent consequences.

2011-05-11T19:45:00.000+08:00

Dear Journal, given the current situation, it may seem that it is inappropriate for me to write. But, even with the incoming storm, its something I feel that I should write about. As we all known, taken an adventure into the unknown nature. Looking at the map that I have, there are a total of 5 phases that I had planned to move from so to reach civilization.Phase 1 was an exact replica of a bunch of rocks that I had failed before in my last adventure walk. I am glad to say that I had cleared that area pretty well with the knowledge that I had acquired during my last expedition. The last entry on this journal was a time where I had taken an untimely long break and in some ways ended up in a storm.

But, I managed to reach the second checkpoint in time, though abet less prepared as the storm totally just rape through my tents and blocks of wood that I had erected to protect myself. Luckily, when a tree was hit by the lightning, it fell right in front of me thus protected me from the harsh winds. And, I made it through the night. Subsequently, I made my way towards checkpoint 3. As I was moving, the ground felt cooler and less bumpy, and I thought that well...maybe it might be a good sign. How wrong was I. In the front of me, lies a huge cliff that I had to scale, there is no way around it, nor under it as well. Its not the first time I had scaled cliffs, but somehow it felt unnatural at times. There were many times where I stopped and wonder how and which direction should I take. Maybe I should practised cliff climbing before I decided to take this journey, but I never expected a cliff to be in front of me now. As I kept climbing, my natural instincts were saying something is wrong, but I do not know what and climbing on a cliff that is 9 storeys from ground, its not like I could turn back could I? After scaling the cliff, I stood at the top and surveyed the surroundings.

Well it definitely seems that I was right. I am pretty off where I should be, but I don't think/ hope that I am too far. Unfortunately, the next phase of the situation is a desert. And hallucinations are rife in the desert. But now its not the time to be despaired...if nt I am dead.

2011-05-08T22:32:00.000+08:00

Oks can't really concentrate for some reason. Dunno whether its because of election fever or wad. Somehow, there is no pressure on myself for this year, its like I am in " whatever" mode lo...maybe because from the start I know I won't fail but I also know that I am not in a level to score those high flying grades. Maybe because I had plan alternative plans if things don't turn up in my favor, or it could be that I got this " Anything can be solved" mindset thinking...so I didn't heap any pressure on myself. Must be somewhere the fengshui nt right...hmm

It might be due to what I had discuss with zhenni the last time I met her. She said she can't really move on after student life because thats what she had mostly lived for. A life as a student. Which is to gain good grades, take part in CCAs, then graduate and find a job. Simple. However, after year 1 and a lesson by mark harris on the examinations that send a signal, I began to see examinations in a different light. I take it as a gauge on how well I know a particular module, though I have to admit I loathe memorizing stuffs but what to do. And in some ways, examinations are no longer the highest priority in my life anymore, I began to search for things that are more applicable to real life. Like CFAs, and other kinds of qualifications...of course, needless to say they also require grades....Maybe I need to rethink certain things during the holidays...oh wells..

2011-05-06T21:14:00.001+08:00

Trekking

As I keep trudging through the dense vegetation, I spotted a nice spot near the river. Decided to take a break and refresh myself, as I was drinking the fresh river water from above the mountains. I lay back and admire the clear blue skies and natural scenery around me. As I breathe in the cool air, I started to laze and fall in a slumber. Had a nice dream and all. When I woke up, I saw the dark clouds behind me with flashes of lightning. Only did I realised that I am in prime spot for a lightning strike as well as I am surrounded by flat plains.

And then reality hit me. I was trying to survive, I had to reach a particular checkpoint so that I can carry on to my next phase. I shouldn't have stopped, I start to run towards higher ground, in fear of a flash flood, I tripped and the rain started to drizzle. I need to get out of the plains...no questions or looking back...I can feel the cold wind picking up...now life is gonna be difficult.

2011-05-04T21:18:00.001+08:00

I really like a quote from Gandalf in LOTR: Fellowship of the Ring. " All We can do is to make use of the time that is left for us."

Its really inspirational isn't ? I don't know. To me it is lo. As like the previous post, I was afraid of so many things. The power of fear is really strong.Really. But, if we think about it from a more rational point of view, the fears are all nothing but build on the vines of uncertainty. Such uncertainties can cripple many of us, and the way it binds us to a spot. I had already done preparations for the papers, whether a not, its enough or its good enough. I have no idea. The only way is for me to take the paper and see the results. If at the end of the day, the results are not satisfactory, then I will have to try to beef up my other areas if I want to be more employable and send a stronger signal. Its like a trade-off. Last year, I had a breakdown and this year, I am determined to control my self. I don't want to be crippled by fear, but if I am really going to take a stumble or worse, or fall. Then so be it. At the end of the day, all these did not happen because of the past few weeks or something, its not short run at all. Its a problem with the entire semester, because of inconsistency and the pure lack of drive for my grades.

So, regardless of the time left, I can only make do with whatever is given to me.

2011-05-04T21:10:00.000+08:00

The Infection

Ok...I have been infected. The exams jitters have finally infected me....whereas my armour was rock solid a week back, now its been invaded. I am scared...I can feel it. I am afraid that I might screw up, I am afraid that I don't know how to do stuffs, I am afraid that grades won't be good enough, I am afraid that my strategies are wrong, I am afraid that questions won't come out the way I wanted it, I am afraid that my decision to throw EOE away was wrong, I am afraid that all these will have in some way a negative effect on my potential future, I am afraid that I can't do the questions, I am afraid that people will be disappointed in me....there are so many things that I am afraid of.

To put things into perspective, why do we need exams? Mark harris says its like a signal that we can send to our future employers. Due to informational asymmetries in the labour market, the few ways which our future employers can judge us, is through our degree and thus the need for examinations. To prove our abilities. However, if we think about it, there are many other signals we can send to our future bosses. Our CIP records, external qualifications, the way one performs during interviews. The aptitude shown in a specialized kind of job. Working experience..etc etc. In my honest opinion, I also think that stress that came with the examinations is also included in the assessment of our degree. Its in some ways, a signal to our future bosses whether we can handle the stress.

Its been almost 2 years since I've been back to being a student. Unfortunately, the portion where " stress management" is concerned, I didn't do particularly well. Truth be told, I was most prepared for an exam was in Sec 2, because I literally studied from the start of the year to the end. O level was better prepared as well, maybe because of things such as homework, tests, regular stuffs. Now currently, I am deprived of these things, whenever my brother complains about test and homework, in my heart, I always thought that how nice if we have them. Though I have tutorials, it wasn't enforced. Laissez faire market don't always works, because being humans, some markets will suffer market failure. Just like the lighthouse situation during the 18th century in Great Britain.

Ever since the inspirational talk by Amos in year one, I always try to understand my subjects because thats our aim of education ain't? So many quotes about education was about learning and not about the results. However, in our current society and I don't mean here in singapore only, but the world in general doesn't really follow that school of thought. Come to think of it, thats what a lot of people do don't they?

When we ask people about the stuff they learned in school, after their exams, most will be like: " What? I returned to my teacher already." Honestly, me too...especially maths..lolz..But most of my economics had stick with me, especially micro economics because well its micro.

Of course, the reason why I am afraid was not because I don't understand, why for EOE yes. But for the rest, its I understand but whether the depth of understanding is enough, its something that I don't know. And yes, being the ever control freak I am, I am afraid of not knowing something. Having said that, I had also let go of a lot of things that I should know.

2011-04-30T10:52:00.001+08:00

Friends/Tomodachi/Chin-gu/朋友

There is something between me and sam is that we always able to feel the true feelings about the other. Even if its written in words. I really feel blessed and happy that I am able to get to know someone like her. It makes life somehow more bearable, even though we don't spend much time together. Even though we are forever at different stages of our lives, even though mindsets have changed. Like a secret garden, its something where we can escape from our own lives n in some ways, to just enjoy the basic notions of humanity. The true friendship between 2 persons, the joy of being in each other company even if we are in silence, the discussions that we can have without any considerations because we know that we won't offend each other in any ways. The comfort we can find in each other if there are bad situations in life.

To know that I am able to bring some kind of happiness to another person is something worth living for. Ultimately, its friends that kept me going through life. People like pig, jianyang, GK, the bball gang, some random people in my life. They all played a role in my survival as well as me truly being alive. There had been a couple of times where I had given up hope on myself, times where I felt that living on just seems so impossible, times where I thought I might as well just waste the time that is given to me away. Times where I questioned my reason in being alive. Without them, I won't be who I am today. I think people of my kind, like zhenni, we are kinds of people that depends on friends and yet we are eccentric in our own sense because we see life as a learning ground. We read, observed, think and tries to apply into our life. We are forever searching for something fixed, a way to live life. And that also means that we are pretty emotional in a sense, because if not , we won't be always trying to constantly improving ourselves, to expose to new thoughts. For such kinds of people, to have a steady group of friends is really important. And thats why I am grateful to all of my friends that has an impact in my life.=)

So, ending off, do cherished your friends and loved ones around you, even if they may leave you one day, but take heart, in that they had left a part of them in you.=)

2011-04-30T10:35:00.001+08:00

Political Rants

Actually I want to rant and goes on about how the political situation surrounding me, its beginning to irritate me a lot. Because I see that people are beginning to throw their subjective opinions on others, flaming on the net, the emotions that are so strongly used in their explanations on why this party is better, why it ain't? However, after reading a post by sam just now, I don't feel so much negative feelings le....so I can't really rant about it le. haha...but I was really pissed yesterday. I was pissed because I see friends who I have known half a decade, resorted to say things which I felt wasn't justified. It will be nice if there is a particular system where we can keep and nominate good ministers rather than oust them because of the mistakes as a party on the whole. However, sad to note, this is what it means being in the majority system of the democratic world. Its like army, where one mistake hurt the entire platoon. Its a bitter pill to swallow. I totally disagree with the GRC method, its a defensive method by PAP but at the same time, its a potential shot in the foot, as proven by aljunied GRC. To lose george yeo, will be a negative. But then again, there might be new potential candidates that will step up, so it might be a good thing.

Anws, this fiasco over choosing leaders and stuff based on trivial things n looking at a party that seriously made a huge mistake in disregarding my generation opinions, its like Microsoft only noticing that Apple is taking over their world now. It further strengthen my beliefs. I fear that a government that is chosen by the people is not based on credentials but due to subjective opinions. Hence, I must make it big. I got to create a wealth size enough for me to rely on, regardless on what kind of government that may be formed in the future. I never ever believe that one's survival must be dependent on others or a collective group. To me, its depends on my side, on my family and thats all it matters. Looking on the fiasco and other places in the world as an observer, I realise that youth is a great tool for change, the power of people is really strong. At the same time, seeing irrationalities and subjective opinions being used as political ammunitions, it really makes me feel that unfortunately there are negative effects to such movements, that though normal, but I don't want to get caught in a negative position. Like a netizen that puts it rationally, politics are divisive in nature. And to me, thats too much for me to bear, I never like to see conflicts, especially if its based on ideologies, different life paths, because although its normal but to see the division in man, really takes the heart out of me. I will never choose politics as a career that I want to carve even if its come knocking at my door, I don't have the courage and strength to hold so strongly to a particular ideology. If you ask me what kind of party I am supporting, I don't have any particular. I just want a stable government that makes the right and necessary decisions when things goes wrong. period. There are a lot of things I can branched into but I feel that it will be too long an essay, because I will use history, human behaviors and economics. So i shall end here.

2011-04-28T13:11:00.001+08:00

Renaissance

Today is another special day again...HAHA cuz its my birthday yet again!!!! Hoho...one year has passed again liao..Decide to take some time off to blog a bit today=P...So far so good, had a sashimi lunch, had chocolates, now with a cup of A&W by my side and inkigayo on tv right now. Life's been good...lolz...Realise that a year before, I didn't even blog on my birthday....I must be really stress to the max sia...leading to a breakdown eventually..haha...On the contrary, this year is anything but that...I even going to leave a module out of my scope as well to focus on the rest...its a gamble and can affect my strategy for next year. But, I think its a strategy that somehow makes me feel intuitively better or should I say at peace. Its a bit worrying that I am not so stressed out, see how humans are fan jian, stress also bad, no stress also bad...lolz.

Actually to tell you the truth, I also don't really know will this be a good thing as well..I currently have a view that no matter what, somehow my life will turn out well. Don't ask me why, I also have no clue.But, having said that, I think I have been more consistent lately than compared to the past. Thats what I am trying to be, to be consistent in the things I do. I don't really know what my results will be, neither do I know whether whatever I am feeling now is good or whatever I am doing now will turn out for the better. Having 23 years of experience tells me that I really cannot predict the future. But I know that whatever I do in the present will have an effect on the future. And the only time period that I can control, well simply its the present. Whether how far my future will varies from the expected mean, will depends very much on my consistency lo.

Like all birthdays, don't know since when, I always like to think back about the past years. Anws, I realise that I like to refer to the 07/09 years as the "Dark Ages". I think I will use a new word to describe it. The word is "Renaissance". As most of you would know, the Renaissance was an age in France that sparks off a revolution in terms of the arts and technology of that era. To the people then, the earlier stages are pretty dark because such thinking seems to be unorthodox and the church even tried to use ways to purge such acts. So people like Da-vici and Michelangelo has to hide their works. Its in some ways pretty similar during my own personal experiences then. I had always said that I changed a lot, not because of any ill intents. But, rather I want to prove that I can be a better person than before as the spectre chose another person but me. I also want to in some ways harden myself so that I won't be easily beaten down by uncontrollable emotions again. So, I went through a lot of tunings, like tinkering with new ideas and new mindsets. At times, it lead to bad situations but I'm glad that I managed to resolved many of the bad situations that I inadvertently created. Hence, in some ways, its like the Renaissance, its been a revolutionary period of time for me. And similarly this year, I think its gonna be another revolution that I am trying to undertake this year as well. So, maybe 2012 rather than a year where it all ends, it may very well be a year when we shall see the new beginnings of human age, the start of things new.=)

The mountains and rivers have seen many humans and animals come and go, yet they themselves are still there. To them, what's time, when they had already live to million of years that flows by. Whats time to them. To us, pure mortals, time is of an essence. Yet, we mortals still spend time on mopping and stuck in inescapable matrices. Humans cannot escape the emotions that are there, its a fact of life, and its not a bad thing as well=). All we can do is to make use of whatever time we had left.=D

2011-04-22T23:54:00.000+08:00

Doubts

Oks shag sia...corporate finance has mass empirical evidence...how on earth is one gonna remember all of them?..Any one got ideas how to remember so much stuff?...lol... I see papers after papers...what healy & palepu(1988) and Ross(1977)...and something with Jensen & Meckling( 1976)...bleah...I think I gonna hack some of the empirical evidence...if I remember good, if not...then well I just have to rely on the intuition questions lo...which is GG currently...lolz...looks like after this blog entry. I will rest and live to fight the next day.

Hmm...good friday today hasn't really been doing much, just did inflation and unemployment tutorials of Seet. Seems that its not enough though, maybe got to beef up with Clare's ones lo. Actually, to think of it, I am still pretty far away from my level that I want to hit, and its around this time that I should actually be like 60% in the zone liao...but apparently not so leh, maybe this time I followed a checklist, or maybe cuz I started way earlier compared to last year, but I don't seem to be really rushing at the moment....don't know whether is it good or bad? Don't want to peak too early as well and suffer burn out later.

I guess there isn't anything for me to mull over this bah, no point thinking whether I am right or why am I like that...or wadsoever. I think just try to take each day as it comes and try to put in some consistency at work lo. Hopefully, I got absorbed most of whatever I did in my tutorials though there was much copying involved but hope the thinking process would help me to remember stuff. Oops..seems like I am back to worrying again...lolz...

At this stage, I cannot change the strategy liao lo, I just have to stick to whatever I am doing and hope that I can make it lo. Like what my CF teacher said, consistency is the key, but now at this point of time, one will just have to do with whatever time one left. In the event that he didn't make it, then remember the lesson for life. And change the way one should conduct oneself. In this case, is to be consistent in everything that one does.

Begone, doubts!!!...don't try to derail me from my goal!..haha

2011-04-18T22:58:00.000+08:00

Actions Speaks More Than Words

Oks peeps I am back here again...HAHA...like duh..its my blog..oks oks I will get back to mugging later on. BFF= Best Friends Forver ( and not Best French Fries...lolz...i haven't try it yet though=P)...Anws BFF, such a phrase is always used to describe Best Friends between two people. Let you know in a secret...you know, I seriously hate BFF this word...well in the past that is..haha...everytime someone used this abbreviation, I always got a very sick feeling in the heart. Well, I think it always have to do with most of my probable r/s that ended up that way and that someone once told me before in my life that, if a girl you like, treats you as a best friend....well thats pretty much the end. So most of the time, when girls that I have a certain liking or a certain interest in says that, I will always be rather irritated by it.

From my point of view, I don't really like to call someone BFF or whatsoever, because...well..call me pessimistic or whatsoever, I don't like to use the word forever. And in some ways, I don't like the idea of fixing someone to that particular role because of the words I choose to use. To me, friends comes and go, of course there will be the special ones that I know will stay. However, after what happened to me and a friend in JC1, I realised that there is no such thing as forever and words are just easy communicative tools that people used to communicate. Rather than getting tied down by words, I chose to express it through my actions. I don't usually say like...hey best friend, close friend..etc etc...I just show it through my actions, the way I treat my closed buddies is slightly different how I treat the rest. I am not going to go through here how I differentiate, i think it might be slightly insensitive of me to do so. Gosh, the internet has no security de, so god knows, who else may find this place. So don't define me as what I say though I stand by most of what I say, judge me by my actions.

Well back to the notion of someone you like says bff to you, well I think if you are currently pursuing that person, I think its really DAMN SIANZ TTM. So ya, there is really nothing wrong, but hey the feeling really sucks, imagine you done so much for someone and all you get is..hey BFF...which is way different from what you want...it really sucks...trust me..been there done that..haha.

Lets see things in another situation now, you have some kind of feelings for that person, but for some whatever reason, you aren't gonna do anything currently, and that person says...hey BFF...is it a cause for concern ? or rather a cause to emo? Well I used too. But then, I feel that now there isn't really much a point to be bothered by it so much, because well, best friends may even get together in the future, right? who knows? Maybe at age 17 there ain't any feeling between the two. But a decade later, well, who knows right?So to be bothered by things which has no certainty...well at least 60% uncertainty( it varies between individuals), is kinda inefficient in terms of happiness ain't it?...haha

Which brings me to the next point I want to touch about, feelings or should I put it, mutual feelings. I was misled in the idea for quite some time that as long as I give my all, then I will be able to be together with that someone. Unfortunately, that idea is a rather extremist idea to some extent, cuz we all know the answer as NO. Like I heard a story recently about how a couple got together, and I was like..what...thats it? that's all it took?...haha. Of course, going along with anyone just based of feelings is also not advisable as well=P.
Come to think of it, maybe if I had seriously put down and let go everything earlier, than there might be a chance....hmmm oh wells...its already over liao. haha

In any case, if you are wondering why I suddenly thought of this, well definitely you can infer that someone used it on me again. Well, the answer is a yes. haha...though I have to be really honest here, is that there is still a wee bit of interest in her, but at the current situation, I don't think things can work it out between us. In any case, I won't give up my life goals for some hypothetical thoughts anymore.

2011-04-15T09:40:00.000+08:00

Just focus on your breathing...left right left right...the pain and tiredness is of insignificance....keep your eyes on the road....just keep pounding the road...breathe in breathe out...the next km mark is also of insignificance...keep your wits and strength with yourself, eugene....being overlapped is of nothing..because this race is of no one...no one except yourself...Just keep breathing

2011-04-13T22:25:00.000+08:00

Letting Go

Someone: Woah. really pei-fu you
Me: Hmm?? Why?
Someone: Able to let go of something after so long
Me: Oh...haha...actually its really nothing much lah.
Someone: you should be able to have a good night sleep liaos..haha

Actually, the above is not the fully word for word msn conversation lah. But the gist is there lor. What I want to highlight is the last portion...having a good night sleep. I would like it to define it as able to have a mindset that is somewhat free from the shackles of a certain inhibition. Really, after letting go of something that is deeply embedded in my conscious. that even I am not fully aware of, its really a nice feeling. How to say ah? Its like nowadays my memories and emotions that were attached to it, is slowly disappearing already...I no longer can feel the emotions and thoughts that I thought and rant about the particular incident anymore. I feel lighter though I am 72kg...mind you..haha...but its like I feel that...hmm...I don't have to hide anything anymore? I don't have to justify certain actions anymore, I don't have to be afraid neither do I have to tie a string to the past. I can't really pin-point why letting go of this something actually give me confidence as well as making me feel much stronger in front of people. Its as if that I can show to people..you know like 100% Eugene...that kind of feeling, I don't feel a particular rush into relationships and such things anymore, maybe its just a coincidence that the letting go coincides with all theses stuff. However, I feel that there is a certain positive correlation between these variables.

Thinking back, there had been things that I said and emphasized about which was just a way of affirmation, a way of trying to prove things. Mind you, I never say nor do anything that would compromise the happiness of the other. And, I will never will..regardless to anyone. So there are things that I will not say anymore, there will be things that I won't think...oks...actually its I can't think anymore because...well...I am having an amnesia( if u read above paragraph). Haha...the very few times where I agree with having an amnesia aka STM...lolz. Even to others, I don't have to say certain things already, to say certain things like " oh, so-and-so is still the best" and stuff like that. Well, technically the spectre was the best, not the reincarnation. No ill intentions intended here ah. So...yeap things have been good so far in that sense.=)

To this blog readers, is there anything that deep down you can't let go? It may not be so obvious, but if its restricting you to a certain extent, maybe its time to let go before it became it became so embedded in one's conscious that it starts to creep into your daily actions? Just a food for thought ah...don't go screwing yourself up over this ah.=)..

These are some things that I want to share with you all because who knows? you might have the same issue with me, oks I sincerely hope not=X.

Shit...over 10pm le...mug mug mug!!!

2011-04-13T21:45:00.000+08:00

Minutes falling like leaves from a Tree.

Phew~ I am uber shag today but but...I got to mug later...so lemme see now its 9.30pm, so I got another 30 minutes of slacking time. Gotta mug till 2am...no choice liaos...although I failed my prelims( expected though), but still it really sucks....REALLY SUCKS...and its micro somemore...haiz...really sianz ttm. Then thinking of the complexities of CF and EOE to name a few...well its freaky. Life's a bitch. HAHA...kinda like that phrase nowadays...lolz. Truth be told, I really should have started way earlier, but I will not be dwelling on the past mistakes ah, its already gone, the next 4 weeks will be the defining moments. I really can feel the stress liao, really reminded me of why zhenni snapped back in the past ard this time when I said something and all. Its really damn irritating if someone now tells me that there is enough time, the point is....THERE ISN'T!!!...well given my level of understanding currently. I won't go into the mode of complaining and ranting, nor will be going on what to do nor will I sigh. I will just put in more effort to whatever I am doing now, and try to understand things better lo. Even if I am going down, I don't want to go down without a fight. Well, so I will try to sleep only 5 hrs of a day liao. Coffee/ Tea will be my new mistress...haha...oh and Sleep? sorry got to avoid u for the month or so...I will repay my debts to you once all this is over. Mia-neh.

2011-04-10T23:29:00.001+08:00

Life's Complexities

Life overall is a rather complex equation, don't you all think? Its not like we can collapse everything into a finite significant factors like the APT, neither could we collapse everything into a standard market portfolio(social norms). Sorry for the finance usage here...if any of you are feeling curious, you can search the web for the def. If not, I think the only person who would know this would be cat...haha

Because of the uncertain future, we do not know whether what awaits us, whether what ever we are doing now is the right thing. From another point of view, whatever we are doing now will have some sort of impact on the future, so we need to be cautious with our actions. Then again, if we are overly cautious, then what if we missed an opportunity?

Its such dilemmas that make life rather difficult to go through, no? What may be right for me, won't be the right thing for you. Its like you prefer omelette, I prefer bacon....both also give proteins, so neither of us are wrong nor right. At times, we may be on cross roads, where we look left and right, and that both gave the same outlook.So which one will choose, some chose with their gut feelings, others choose with rationality. Others being indifferent, just flip the coin. A minority would just jump off the road and into the unknown.

All these can happened because we are all shaped differently, being in different situations. One may have gone through some shitty times to arrive in his/her current state, another may have gone through a more chilled process. Hence the different outlooks and reactions in life. Even in close friends situation, when one knows that somehow your friend should not be doing it, but in the end, he/she still do it, in what position are we to say that its wrong? I think Confucius saying is truly apt here: " Say what you have to say, but don't ask to be snubbed"...I seriously think this is my all time fav phrase...lolz

Likewise, I really feel that a close friend shouldn't have done certain things if not she will not be in her current predicament now. But like what I said before, who are we to say what should be done? and mindsets changed...so again, whats right whats wrong? Well, folks I think if we are in such a situation, then we should just do whats is required for us to do at the current point of time and help our friend in whatever possible way we deemed that it should be done lo. Of course, whether its being done or not, its another question. However, least we have done what friends should do. Definitely, as friends, there is some form of worries here and there, but well there's a limit to whatever we can do, don't we?

Now, lets go onto the topic of uncertainty. As much as I would like to know when I am going to leave this world, so that I can plan what to do(oks I don't wish to know)...but in reality, we will never know don't we? So how do we convince ourselves to carry on living? I think the answers lies in dreams and hopes. Hope that there will be a happy ending for us, the hope that we will be able to achieve something. Hope that when I open my eyes, I will still be able to see the world before I close them...so who says day-dreaming sucks?!!...well, just don't do it excessively can liaos...LOL.

With sapph, there is also this kind of uncertainty, there are times when I told myself to not start any conversations. She just have to pian pian contact me, then when I asked whats up, she say nothing...and then MIA for some time...I will be like...hur...and sometimes she will contact me out of the blue. When its my turn to contact her, then got dao...wth...lolz...really uncertain here sia...u make me go round and round siol. @.@
( in any case, you may realise that this is just some brainless paragraph here=P)

So, isn't life cheem??...HAHA

2011-04-06T20:54:00.000+08:00

Popping by

Seriously, studying at home is dangerously distracting...haha...with msn, bed , lappy, youtube, msn, tv nearby. But, its cheap!! because can cook, food sources are a few minutes away, no soft drinks...haha...though i got a huge stock of ice cream currently=.= no thanks to my dad...ice cream can be my staple food for the week liaoss...haha

Hopefully, I can finish my goal by April 25th....pray hard but time is not on my side sia... Like in army, the 24km route march...I should just think of marching and not think of the end. Speaking of army, there had been quite a couple of unflattering pictures of SAF recently. With the maid incident and others as well...haha..

2011-04-04T21:33:00.000+08:00

To the spectre that has always haunted me:

The spectre that has haunted me for quite some time, well I think it has finally been exorcised. All it took was just a word to break that spectre that had me quite enamored recently. Actually, to some extent, I think I might missed that spectre..haha...but a spectre should never exist in the present. It never should. It remains in the past, in memories, thats where spectres should be. Like ghosts that finally drop their grudges and be reincarnated. This dear spectre of mine should also drop it's fantasies and join the rest in reincarnation. It had been a fantastic journey this period of time, at times, rather torturing period as well....but I am glad I went through it. This really remind me about harry potter and the deathly hallows. This is the last hallow that haven't been destroyed, and now it has...and like riddle's diary, its pretty disheartening to see it destroyed. As I stabbed the basilisk fang into the diary, with poison oozing out and the spectre crying out in pain. I bid goodbye and thank the spectre for everything. With a bright light, the spectre changed into a white being and smile at me while making her way up to where she belongs. My memories. Goodbye then spectre, from now on, I will be able to protect your reincarnation without any hesitation and restrictions anymore.=)

2011-04-03T10:22:00.004+08:00

Jo's 21st Void Deck Celebration( Say Whatt?)

Ytd, is our dear JOSY's 21st!!!...haha...so me and GK went down to her place with the angry birds cake( actually cup-cakes ) and then we had fun torturing her...LOL...21st is to torture de leh!!!!...hehehe...actually we very nice liao lor, we never use "un-blowable" candles and we never smash her face with the cup-cakes. Though I got her to use her mouth and eat the birds without hands, and we kinda just "sugar torture" her...haha...cuz the cup cakes were REALLY sweet..because its all icing...even I cannot tahan=X. So after the craziness, we sat down and chat a bit...oh..did i mention that Jo damn cute, she was like jumping and hopping around when we were there with the cake late at night. HAHA....Apparently, she saw us walking to her block liaozz, no surprises there liao=(....haha...but its really fun yesterday night. Here are the pics below!!=P

The Birds and The Pigs

JO looking apprehensive...HAHA

THE TORTURE!!!..Actually seems like I am the only one executing it=X

Cant explained the duplicated pic below the video...just ignore it lo=)

The best looking of all

The King is actually crownless if u notice...and brainless as well..=P

2011-04-03T09:40:00.001+08:00

Chill Out Session

To kick off April with a bang, yesterday was a rather fun day to begin with. Tried to complete Options tutorial quickly, eventually took an awful lot of time of completing it due to 3 questions that I never do the previous time. Gosh..everytime do CF tutorial, seriously take up a lot of time. Hopefully will be able to complete my tutorials on time so to proceed to the next level.

Went to give ren and ben a surprise at gardens...haha..actually I suppose to meet TH for a chill out session then I knew ren they all are there so just pop by to chat with them lo. Then after that went to meet TH, so we were just chilling out at a pub near his house watching soccer matches. So, I was just talking with him about things that happened so far in my life and we talked about careers and our future. It just struck me that actually a lot of us, seriously don't really know what we wanna do with our lives. Eventually, all of us just know one thing...ability to earn lots of money. Well, its not a bad decision actually considering money is one of the most important commodity ever created.

Sometimes, I wonder is it our society that embedded in all of us a certain procedure in life where we had to be at certain stages at a certain age of our life. I am not saying its wrong or anything, but we ended up pressuring ourselves to be someone that maybe we aren't or not yet ready to be at a certain stage. In the past, I always emphasized on the need to have a goal or an aim in life, because that will definitely spur us on and achieve what we want. However, the problem facing a lot of people(including me) is that what is one's aim? to be a mafia leader? a vet? slacker? CEO of a company? I feel that its not really that we don't know what we want but rather we have so many choices to choose, which forces a lot of us to rethink our initial choices. Oh..and I haven't add in the factor of social pressures. I know a primary school friend who wanted to be a construction engineer, to design construction vehicles since young and then now he is a NS regular. I am not saying that one should follow their primary school dreams..gosh...we were so naive last time to even really consider a job/goal/ profession correctly. But, what I want to highlight was that the change in our decisions. At least my friend knew what he wanted. Many like us still are at cross roads after cross roads. Personally, I don't think its a sin to NOT know what you want but maybe have some short term goals instead and when the time comes to cross the bridge, then decide lo.

For me, I am almost 90% sure which industry I want to go to. However, whether I am able to get into or which area will I end up at, I seriously also don't know. But I have some sort of plan that I had set within this year, so we shall see about it. Then after that, we were talking about why its alright to for girls to not bother much about careers and for men to be more stress by it. No offense here, I am not being sexist as well but most women have the option which in some ways seem as a short-cut that they can rely on the men as bread-winners to support the family and themselves. Whereas men? well we don't really have much choice, do we? we just have to support our family. Of course, nowadays both sexes are equally career driven and stuff..but what I want to highlight here is that, ceteris paribus, women have a back door out. So felt rather weird that we were talking about careers then HDB and wedding costs..lolz...Then we were talking about grad trips and stuff, then of course if got moolah, it wont be a problem lo...unfortunately for me, it seems a bit impossible to go to the road trip with ren and ben le...because I think I need a good 1.5k min to go=(...which unfortunately it will be a significant drain from my savings....emo nemo sia...should have work more during last year holidays and spend lesser.

2011-03-31T00:12:00.000+08:00

Oks I admit I am feeling uber lonely for some reason, hence the previous post. I really hate this feeling but I somehow just feel this way. Maybe cuz I am just tired so...naturally frustrations and all shows? These are the times where I am sure, some of us will just want to sleep and don't care about a thing in this world. I really want to just grab some stuff and leave the country and go around places that I want to see in this world. The natural sights that I always see on tv, the food that I want to taste.

I think its pretty much like the earth magnetic field, i was watching on discovery channel just the other day and they were talking about pole swapping which has happened before( a million years ago bah)...where the earth for a moment lost its magnetic field during the period when the poles swapped. Similarly, I feel my personal defences is down at the moment, and I am feeling all sort of negative emotions, I know at this current point of time, there will be no one who will be there for me. One thing I learnt is that there is no such thing as someone will always be there at anytime de, because we are all different human beings with different commitments. I have already accepted that fact, no matter how many times I had hoped that it ain't true. And that's why I always try to be there for my friends if they need me, because I think being thrown oneside is rather a sucky feeling. I think I had been left alone a couple of times that I am rather jaded by it already. Then again, its might be due to cause I don't seek help at all. In any case, these aren't the worst feelings I have felt, so I am not rather affected by it...its just sianz and delusional for awhile. Also, sometimes a lot of things in life is not a constant returns to scale, it is usually a decreasing return to scale though there are exceptional times when it might be increasing returns to scale. And sometimes what one says doesn't mean anything, its just words which can be pushed aside. Well I can't really blame them because expected utility or the benefits are constantly calculated in the human brain and if the other thing is able to bring tht person to a higher utility curve than why not? Its a rational move. Sometimes when words are said, they couldn't be taken back...but I think quite a lot of people are guilty about doing it. I have to admit I am too..but still I try to stand by whatever I said though there are a couple of times when I say and do things out of impulse.There are times when I asked myself, I keep accommodating to others wants but who ever try to do the same for me? not many i think. Which at times made me wonder, so why should I even bother about being accommodative ? On a hindsight, it could be that I refuse...lol

Well any case, those above are just rants...though I think it reflects stuff deep down in me...ha...

Dont worry, guys, its only for tonight...just tonight and then I will be back as per normal. In any case, life is too short for me to keep dwelling in being an eeyore, I have been an eeyore for quite a significant portion of my life time already, and truth be told, I am pretty sick of it already. I decided to be a tigger since a few weeks back, and though tigger also has an "eeyore" side to him, but at least he is a bouncing animal with a smiling face. Regardless of anything, the earth is still rotating from east to west, the sun will still rise the next morning...so what are one's troubles when mother nature and the universe are still moving forward.

Oks, defense back up le...lol=)

2011-03-30T22:18:00.000+08:00

Rowing the boat down the river. The cliffs seemed to cave in on me. I kept paddling away in the little boat. The river looks so uninviting at times. It has been 4 days since I undertook this journey south. There are times when I thought that my arms are aching and that I should stop at the nearest bank. However, the need for urgency is pressing, being human, time is never infinite its a non-stochastic term. I tell not what awaits me furthur down stream, stories had been told to me in warning tones of the "jaws of death", the rocks that can deter even the bravest explorer.

As I keep rowing the boat, in somewhat endless manner, thoughts of the past floated passed my eyes, just like the ghosts at Dunharrow. Questions were asked on certain matters, but it doesn't really matter anymore, because it will have a negative somewhat on each stroke that I take. I am just glad that I am alive so far and that I still have my wits around me.=)

2011-03-27T11:32:00.000+08:00

Predictability and Unpredictability

From young, I always thrived in situations where there is a certain sense of predictability. Looking back, I like maths because I have answers I can refer to. I know that at the end of the day, there is a confirmed result, it just cannot deter from it. And growing up, my life seems to always revolves round having a fixed result, might be due to the education system and the way we are brought up here. Its either distinction or fail...etc etc. Maybe thats also why I am so afraid of unpredictability, because I have no idea what the end will be. Good? Bad? Uncertain?...

I think I personally haven't really embraced the notion of unpredictability yet..well not as much as I think. hmm...another portion to work on in life again=P...oks times back to my dear corporate finance.

On a side note, I think this is like my most emo month to date...well if u define emo as the no. of posts in my blog....lolz...though not all the posts tis month are emo..haha...But this month really spam=X

2011-03-27T11:17:00.000+08:00

Weird, no? 0,o

Yesterday, went to collect the 2XU run race kit. Its pretty good, way much better than Nike run last year...and its mostly in black...hehe...one of my fav. colours=P. bump into james as well and then cut queue=X....a bit paiseh for not being able to meet up with lemuel to collect the race pack.

Then after that, james and me went to grab a drink at bishan...which is like...KOI...duhh...so we were sitting at the interchange talking about internships, paintballs and stuff. When this old man approach us and asked us to translate a letter from ICA, so we translate lo...something about a chinese woman whose work permit was approved. And then he suddenly went on about his life and about that woman and her kid, to about how he own a company that deals with shipping and stuff. Then all of a sudden, he told us to focus on our studies and strive towards our dreams and don't bother about bgr. We were like...huh??...so random then he keep talking about it...we were like...orh...oks...

I don't know about you guys...but i got this feeling that there is a reason behind why we ended up in such a situation yesterday. Its not the first time I heard this advice this month already, its the 3rd time liao. 1 from my closed relative, another from my best friend and now from a stranger. I don't really want to link this to any supernatural or religion thingy, but maybe its written all over my face and all...I do believe in some face reading and psychology etc etc...so maybe there are some stuff that 3rd parties are noticing and which I am not. Then again, this could all due to asymmetric information among all of them , but I alone hold all the information though one can question whether its biased a not. The old man parted with a disclaimer saying that s its up to us to listen to his advice or not lo....typical way of trying to pull the emotional strings of the mind siol..lol

Interesting....

2011-03-24T21:39:00.000+08:00

Inhibitions

Oks I am here once again because I had a sudden thought that just float through my brain. " Have I been putting a lot of pressure on my life?" Thats a very good question to ask...haha..I am amazed at my brain sometimes. Pressure. I can;t actually remember when I started to use certain things as a pressure on myself so to get things done. Of course, pressure is essential in every journey that we embark on. If there is no pressure, there won't be any progress. Various things that we taken for granted these days were actually invented due to pressure at that current point of time.

I was thinking about my studies, sapph, stocks and life in general. There had been cases that happened before when I put pressure on myself and things turn out for the best but there had been a lot more stuff that had happen which had cause things to take a turn for the worse. Without pressure, I don't think its a very good idea because its really no good and seriously, when exams are round the corner, how can one not feel the pressure? And with the grades that I am aiming...even more I can feel the heat. I have my own ambitions and dreams, but do I have enough of perseverance to go for it? I myself also dont have the answer. I know at times where I can drop whatever I am doing and go for other stuffs. It has been proven before, but I feel that I should make a stop to that le. Like what Adam Khoo had said in his books, do not let anything stop you from achieving what you are able to. Be it r/s, parents fighting and etc etc.

In my life, I had been dragged back by a lot of things. Mainly due to insecurities and a lack of steadiness. Which I had always attributed to a lack of confidence. I think its has somewhat been embedded in me since young, or whatsoever reason. Now at 23, I seriously seriously feel that I cannot let myself down anymore, because of one lack of confidence, that has been slowing me down for most of my life, my peak is approaching and very soon it will passed...should I still let myself to be slowed down or should I throw all my inhibitions and jump into the unknown and unchartered regions? Rationally, I think I would say find a balance between both of them. But, somehow I feel thats an excuse in just either delaying the jump or trying to soft convince myself that staying the same is the way to go.

*After 15 mins*

I think I am gonna take the jump but not letting go of my principles and rules in life that I had learnt, but I will get rid of the inhibitions that had bound me so tightly, inhibitions that chain me to the bar that stopped me in a lot of things that I do.

PS: for those who read this blog a couple of times le...I think I might sound rather weird cuz every post I decided on something, then next post will be like on the same issue again...its like I never really made up my mind. Haha....miyahae..cuz I am the sort of person that needs to be drilled de....so..changes will take time...just in case any of u are wondering...though I think its not like any of you will ask me about it=X

2011-03-24T21:09:00.000+08:00

Game Theory

Someone used to say that going after someone is a game. That someone came back 2 years later, and told me that she was wrong and said she was sorry for saying those stuff to me then. At that point of time, I totally forgotten about the incident le, and so for her to suddenly tell that to me, is really random ttm.

Recently, I thought of it as a game. Surprisingly?...I don't know. It seems that I feel that one has to do some mind games here and then and all. I do have to admit that sometimes one has to do such things to test water and stuff. But, I think I might have do too much? in my own thinking that is and not any actions that I have done, though I did some.

Today, went to meet sapph, I was kinda excited in meeting her but not like the first time I went to find her for lunch. Met up, for some reason, I felt awkward? cuz eventually I don't know what to talk about. Its like there is nothing interesting in my life to speak about? I mean I seriously got nothing to share...talk about studies? about finance? or news?...those sounds damn boring ttm. So eventually she was the one that did most of the talking. In some ways, I felt intimidated by her...I don't know why as well. Its like my confidence just seems to desert me at the time when I need it. Can feel that she tried to get me to talk, like she asked about my studies. I just say, like that lo...I mean dont really have much to talk about right? I mean you want to hear about econs and diversification?? So I just go with whatever she wants to talk lo....

In some sense, I felt really bad..like I had disappointed her in some sense. Like what I told JY just now, I was wondering like which side to show...like I don't know what side to show...funny? serious? steady?....those kind of stuffs lo. So I was wondering whether I had been pushing really hard for something to work out between us? It seems that little had change since my previous post hur...

If can then can lo...if cannot then cannot lo...simple to say difficult to do but its not impossible.

2011-03-21T22:31:00.001+08:00

What is it that you really want?

My close friends had been saying this phrase recently: " what is it that you really want?"..be it in relationships or career or life's dreams. This is a phrase that I constantly been hearing recently. It seems like its a very common question in somewhat everything that one does or set out to do.

It applies to relationships as well, sometimes one is indecisive over certain issues, so one got to ask oneself what it is that they really want. And whether its the right decision to take? at the very least one got to be accountable to oneself. In my case, with sapph, its also nothing concrete except for the initial attraction and then my natural reaction kicks in...like..omg...should I go after her and all and blah blah...But, seriously, there must be a minimum level of " understanding each other" first which I feel that we haven't reach yet, so if I were to make my stand that fast, then it will lead to dire consequences. Like seriously. We also should see how things works out before I do something, I seriously think its the constant nagging that my mum recently been doing that has been getting to me=.=....but after having a talk with GK and JY at different times, I sort of came to a conclusion on stuffs. I feel that I have to make this stand and whatever comes in the future, I must not waver in it. Whether it may lead to inflexibility or stubborness, I will still continue to work on those two...but I will have some fixed totems that I feel that I shouldn't be so soft at. I am glad that I think this year, I had changed a lot of my thinking and let go a lot of stuffs in life that had been holding me back before. And definitely, I hope that I can continue this behaviour for time to come.

Like what I read in a book recently. " Just cowboy up!"

2011-03-18T14:37:00.002+08:00

Safe haven

Just read finish Safe haven by Nicholas Sparks. Its a love novel like most of his books. Of course not too emo lah this read, unlike the notebook...that was SERIOUSLY emo max...and I mean REALLY emo max. I think its main theme for this book is about domestic violence and stuff.

I am seriously appalled by the thought of husbands beating wives and forcing them to do things and eventually, the women in order to survive, just do it. I just can't understand it at all, must we as guys use violence and control over someone we love?...it just absolutely boggles my mind. There were moments where I thought that I couldn't finish the book because it just seems so sad. So I just glanced through all the descriptive portions of the violence.

Sometimes I hear stories from people and I hear what sometimes boyfriends or girlfriends get their partner to do for them...its just seem totally wrong. If things are on rocks, isn't one suppose to be trying ways to patch things up? So why is the person making things even worse by forcing stuffs that you want to do on others. Maybe from a rational observer like me can say this, but once if one is in the dynamics of the situation....it might be a different ball-game altogether.

Ah...chincha..even if I put myself in that kind of situation, I can't really see myself doing that to any woman...seriously, it absolutely boggles me. In any case, I hope that the girls out there in this world would learn how to take good care of themselves.

I kinda like this quote from the book: "Love doesn't mean anything if you are not willing to make a commitment." well said=)

2011-03-17T21:46:00.000+08:00

Break Day Primo=)

Today was an official OBNS (Only Break No Study) day. Went to have breakfast with Pig, then after that played pokemon emerald on my laptop( thanks to ernest for the emulator). After which I headed down to uniqlo to see if they are any promotions and anything I like to get...eventually nothing..haha. I think after my raid on uniqlo in january and december last year...nthg left for me to raid liaozz...lolz

Actually spend quite a lot on food today though, salad, sashimi, sushi and mac breakfast. lolz....Was looking for a nice place to read my books....so was tottering around SMU area...eventually stumble onto SMU opposite the coffee bean. I went in a get myself a cuppa. So was sitting there, thought of reading a book I got from the library, eventually I decided to do some writing. It has been really some time since I last wrote le. I wrote about delusions and dreams. I doubt I will re-type everything here...cuz its really long...like 2 pages each for each essay..haha..

In some sense, I think I always have this writer streak in me since young...haha...so maybe sapph. was right and I shouldn't be aiming to be in the financial industry...haha. but I still have a thing for things with money signs ah..lolz

So there I was...writing my thoughts and all onto the A4 foolscap paper, and was sipping a cuppa and watching people walking. I thought of a book which I read on body language, so I was looking at couples who were walking past. I remembered about the way how one hold their hands with another and we would know who wears the pants in the relationship.=X And by looking at people, I was guessing whether are they complaining or are they chatting about happy stuffs....observing their facial expressions. Its was rather fun overall.Initially, I was rather afraid that I would be lost and start to wander around...but luckily it didn't last long that feeling=)...I think I would have done myself a great dis-service if I decided to straight jump back into studies. LOL...

Well....looking forward to break day secondo tml=)

2011-03-16T10:43:00.000+08:00

田馥甄 - 我想我不會愛你

我想我不會愛你這樣下去

渺小的自尊都快要拋棄

我想我不會恨你傷的痕跡

住在我心底變成了秘密

我想我不會愛你害怕失去

所以逞強的遠遠看著你

我想我不會恨你只是也許

Nice Song yo...haha

2011-03-15T08:55:00.000+08:00

Lines...

"Kids, today we are going to do some penmanship. Make sure you follow the lines and write well, so that you will be able to have a sticker by the end of the lesson."

I never really gotten much of a stickers from my teachers in school for penmanship. I always find that following the dotted lines, just seems so difficult for me. Actually if you think about it, its bloody easy...but for some reason, its not. Even in maths, teacher always want us to draw straight lines with a ruler, if its free hand, hoho...you know what will be coming your way. And precisely, straight lines are the hardest to draw...well...free hand at least=X

Similarly, in life, some things have to be drawn with a straight line, however its difficult to do it without a ruler. Even now, when I am trying to re-drawn the line, I had already made few concessions. But I know that without the line, people will be unhappy.

2011-03-14T09:12:00.003+08:00

My world is breaking down...

I just realised that this will be my 500th post, the "half a millennium" post, I never ever expected this post to be about this incident. But, I guessed it deserved this position as the 500th because of the significance of this incident.

Dis-equilibra has happened, the shifting of both the demand and supply curves are so rapidly, for one equilibrium will never be a fixed entity. The SR equilibrium is for only the short run, in the long run, when demand or supply conditions changes, there will be a new final LR equilibrium. When will it happen? As economists, we will never know...because its only a theoretical model. And we assumed various factors as constant, in reality, nothing is really constant. Hence we only take a look at the short run, for its more truth in the models rather than the long run.

I shall leave you readers with this MV by Lim Jeong Hee. Have you ever experienced a day where you realise that things you had believed strongly, was not what it is? Just like the matrix, where what is reality? what is a fabricated vision?

Actually things had never changed, its only whether you are willing to see beyond the matrix and have the faith to believe in yourself again.=)

To hui min and my uncle, miyahae and konmawa!

have a good day, people!!!

2011-03-12T18:28:00.000+08:00

Acknowledgement

Looking back..I always amazed at how much I had been affected by one person, how much I went through, and how much I can truly commit myself to a simple promise that I made. From the time I told myself that I will always try to keep promises, that promise was the first one that I had kept...all the way till now...and hopefully till the end of time. Since then, there were few I couldn't keep, and many others that I didn't made. I think those who know this particular story of my life, would always say that I still haven't given up. And I will always say otherwise. However, I think they are right in a sense, because deep down, even in a small forgotten corner of my heart, where even I don't want to admit it even existed. The truth is it existed..and never disappear, this is a part of me where I think over the recent skirmishes I had, I tried to destroy it. Haha...but actually it couldn't be destroyed. Its not meant to be destroyed at all...it just want to be acknowledged. Pretty much in bleach where ichigo learnt to accept the true intentions of his zanpaktou.

Seriously, I think I don't really hope for any reciprocation anymore, but just the knowledge that I am able to fulfill my promise is enough for me. To own someone? I think "own" is a correct word to use but "someone" ain't. I don't have a mindset to own anyone especially that someone, but rather I would like to think I want to own that particular "world" which we have between ourselves only, and I am fortunate to be still able to have this "world" that we had created together.

Whether a not we will be able to branch into a new world, it will be pretty determined by other factors and as well as the people we meet in the future. Like I had said, no matter what my inner desires are, if it will make matter worse, then what good would it be to follow my desires then? Unless its proven that matters will be better, if not, I will continue carrying on this role that I had set for myself.=)

Demon asked whether its wise to post this up cuz there is a possibility that she may read it, I use to worry a lot about this...like really a lot...hence the use of metaphors and stuff, but I think there is this thing that existed between us for a long while le, which is TRUST and FAITH in each other and the common understanding that we know what to do and not to do.

In any case, I think I can finally get a conclusion v1.6 regarding about this incident le. So strange that after fighting a war, eventually, there is no such thing as an ultimate victor. But rather, only when we stop the war, will we have truly won.

Here is a point to note for some readers. Have you been fighting to reach an ultimate solution? Maybe sometimes the best solution is for both camps to lower their weapons and embrace each other?.=)

2011-03-11T23:36:00.000+08:00

Japan's Ordeal

I reached home from IT show and was greeted with the news that Japan just suffered a major earthquake. Me then was still fixing the new hard disk I got from the IT show and anws...earthquakes are like synonymous with Japan. However, upon seeing the facebook posts and all...I realise shit...this is the real deal.

Went to CNN, BBC live and even Al-Jazeera to watch the news about the aftermath as well as the recorded footage of the tsunami. Its really scary sia...reminds me of 2012 the movie, which has a somewhat exact scene when a tsunami hit washington dc in the movie. As of now, the death toll was ard 300..but it's feared to be greater lo. For a moment I thought of the 2012 prophecy, I remember once where zhenni called me out of the blue and she sounded scared...and she was afraid of the 2012 prophecy being true, I tried to calm her with some real life information that I digged out about the year 2012 and though its forcasted about solar flares, the rest that the movie shown was rather impossible to happened...but of cuz nthg is impossible. Took me awhile to calm her down sia...lol.

Again the question popped out in my head, " what if the world ends tomorrow?"....few thoughts floated in my mind. I dont really have much regrets in life, cuz I don't see the need to have regrets...even if u give me a chance to go back in time, i will still do the same thing cuz of my limited thinking at that point of time. Of course, if its meant that I go back with the current mindset, there are things I definitely want to change...like a particular night in my life...Then I thought that I would have gone around and tell people things that I always wanted them to know but for the overall good, I decided to keep inside me. And to some extent, I want to let people know that I am not some kind of ultra good guy or something, I got my kind of complications that I doubt not many of my friends knew because I always hid it. Like I told someone before, I am rather good at self-psycho-ing...lolz

Hmm...then I thought of whether this prophecy is true a not...blah blah...cliche stuffs lo. I think in me there is always this stubborn streak, that I want to prove something. So , I feel that rather than worrying about the possibility of 2012, then rather I should carry on living so that I can prepare for life after 2012. If really something untoward happens at 2012, then at least I can say that least my spirit is not broken....

Oks oks...I think this is enough for such a post le...lolz...lets pray for the people in Japan!!!

2011-03-10T21:55:00.001+08:00

Stages of Evolution

I think we humans, or rather all living beings are pretty much like each other. Who knows who created us...but we all have some form of basic structure. Like how from a seed, the seedling will grow into a stalk then finally bloomed into a flower. We also grew in stages as well.

After hearing what happened to pig's dad and thinking back last year what happened to gong gong, then I thought about fixing the lights yesterday...realised that actually truly I am 23 le..HAHA...not so much abt the age lah...I dont really bother abt age de...seriously...its just a common reply for me to say " omg..i m 23 liao" or " damn we are getting older each year"..just doesn't hold any meaning to me lo.

Rather I think its the mindset ? or should I say, the stage where you realise that you cannot be a kid anymore? When you realise that sometimes, you cannot leave everything to ur older generation already, its time to take over. I think somehow thats how I feel recently?

Like there are way more priorities than yourself? more important things that are happening than what we desire?Stuff like that lo...I think it kinda of lead my thinking to about my dreams, to what is more important, rather than the what ifs? the daydreams?

I don't know much about you guys...but according to JY ytd, we were chatting at mac and we touched about sleeping positions. Then he said that I am a yearner...judging from the way I sleep lor...haha. So I guess , I am the kind who always yearns for things??...haha. Now, instead of spending time in yearning, maybe I think I should...hmm no...I must learn how to fight for things le...survival instincts? ...lol

Oh and I got to learn how to develop a better Air-bag system around me as well...learn how to absorb damage as well learn how to reflect things...cuz I realise that I am a kinda of easily affected by a lot of things that happens in life rather commonly?...oh well...what doesnt kills u, will make u stronger.

Live life to the fullest folks, HWAITING!!!

2011-03-08T17:43:00.000+08:00

Listening ear is all I need...

Didnt do much studying today though I knew that tml is the CF prelims le. Actually, I wanted to do well for it cuz for my teacher. But I guess I didnt really have much of a motivation hur..lolz. Had a goal to complete my notes by the end of 16th march, will definitely on track. But without tutorials to practice, still feel damn naked in front of a chariot riding gladiator.

I dunno whether its the same for everyone, but somehow feel really sianz today. Just xiao cai called me to ask me about CF stuff. So spent some time going thru with him on CAPM, and seriously the questions he ask also made me think a lot about the model. So, you know it hit me that actually, I am seriously rather fucked for the prelims. I thought I understooded CAPM well cuz its in PBF last year...but actually no. So after that, was telling him how I didn't really study much today, just want to finish my notes and how I think I am f-ed for prelims tomorrow. Went for lunch with sapph, just don't want to think about studies for awhile or maybe I just want to have an excuse to meet her...lolz...but oks lah...but I think I am pretty sianz so not in the mood to be really enthu and all.

In any case, was kao-bei ing to xiao cai that seems just damn sianz. Then he was saying ya lo, he just feel damn sianz about studying recently. Wonder whether its in the stars forcast today. I told him my entire plan, the plan on when to finish my notes, to chiong after tutorials, then the last week before the exams to do past year papers. I don't know whether its a form of consolation for me or what, but somehow bitching on how sianz and stress over being sianz is somewhat soothing? strange but true. Its like I don't feel so panicky or useless or whatsoever lo...I told him I seriously heck care about prelims but still it's a bit scary without that variable being put into my plans. However, it never existed in my plans anws....so I just have to be confident about it lo.

2011-03-08T10:17:00.000+08:00

My World

Sitting at the edge of the small pier, in the quietness of my inner world. The world is built upon the covering of trees, not many can actually find their way through. The huge trees surrounds the lake and the small cabin besides it. Closing my eyes, I can feel the wind , the taste of the cool air, the slight trickles of sunlight touches my face. I can hear the crickets and the frogs....at times there will be a change of the atmosphere. Where the world became terribly silent, the crickets were quiet. The lake so still that it seems like there is no life in it. The high and above clouds cover the sun, lending the world a moment of darkness. Once the southern winds blows, the sun is back and seemingly life sprang back...and all is well again.

Time changes, seasons changes, nothing is the same, yet it happens every now and then with the same traits. Similar yet different, because of the continued experience of it, constant yet not constant. Welcome to my world.

2011-03-06T10:25:00.002+08:00

Re-connection...

Yesterday had an awesome night out...whew...its been ages since I had such a great time le. Went to eat sashimi again...LOL...seriously I spent loads of cash on fishes this month...haha. Time to cut down le...haha. Met up with xuan fang, whom is my JC school mate. Really damn random...but she still looks the same after 4 years..still as good looking as ever=X.

Went to Sun & Moon @ wheelock place there for dinner, really nice place sia..seriously..there are cushions and sofa seats...in a japanese restuarant!!! Damn nice...really good for couple dates sia...though the tables are kinda close to another table...so basically the next table can hear and see whatever you are doing...but still not too bad for a 2 person concept. Realised that her sister and ernest are both in CJC and both in Arts as well. Lol...but her sis is studying history whereas ernest is geography=P...

Oh and one thing was that she wore heels!!!...I was like woah...she is really pro..haha...Said that its her shortest one liao, i was still surprised cuz almost 95% of my friends I knw that aren't really good in heels...or maybe I haven't seen them in heels yet..haha. Had a lot of great chatting sessions, initially thought it will be kinda awkward because we only chat over MSN and seriously in JC, I don't even talk much with her...lolz.

Ytd was also a lot of first time for both of us...ha...1st time ate ichigo ice cream outside Ion, 1st time saw huskies in singapore, 1st time caught the light and laser display show at MBS and 1st time I lent my cardigan to someone and she never return..haha...I will get it back another day lo.

Actually come to think of it, the MBS display nthg much leh...just like that lo...but I think we 2 sua ku kia(s)...sat at promontory bay there and watch the display and was like...woah..ahh...kallang wave..lolz. Ah...and btw MBS got ice skating ring sia...just like the one in korea's lotte world, but smaller in size lo..but still cool.

Ah chincha, ytd was really fun....but its time to get back to studies le...CF looming on wednesday.

2011-03-04T17:21:00.000+08:00

take a walk....

Pon EOE prelims today...seriously no point in turning up for it anws. Looks like it will be like another intro to econs like last year lo. I also told my supervisor that I won't be working for the remaining saturdays of this month as well, which effectively means no work till after May 20th. I couldn't really bring myself to do much work...unnecessary thoughts pop thru my head...like how it feels impossible, how on earth am I gonna get thru this...and etc etc..nua quite a lot...eventually went out...breathe some fresh air...really fresh cuz it just rained...lolz

Went to have a haircut, bought stationary, see if cotton on got sale and walk around nex...anything but stats 2 and EOE and the irritating thoughts...keep reminding myself of Confucianism quotes that I had been reading every night...though its like a repeat...i still believe its a good set of live values to live by...try to emulate lo and be a stronger self especially emotionally which I feel I am lacking...like really lacking. In any case, feel a lot better le..shower and immerse myself in probabilities and random variables.

2011-03-01T17:46:00.000+08:00

Battle-field

I can feel it again...the feeling of panic...like what I was watching in the morning about how the US SOF divers went thru during their hell test. This time the feeling of panic on eoe, the feeling of panic of not know knowing anything. I have this mental visualisation of me reaching for this red button labelled " Panic!".

I am shocked at the rate of stuff that I know about EOE...I know that I got to really chiong for it, but there are times that I don't know what on earth I am doing...I am...afraid. I am seriously afraid of it...I dont want to touch it because the moment I open the notes, I straight away have the feeling of closing it.

But, I hated such a feeling, this feeling of not knowing anything, the feeling of helplessness, the feeling of not putting up a fight. Taking a deep breath, I think I will push on...I will keep doing the tutorials till I am not afraid...and that I can at least understand stuffs. As for this friday prelims, i doubt I can make it in time...but I think I will still turn up and least try the paper, if not then I will abandoned it half way and prepare for stats 2 bah...which is also another cause of concern...However for that, I need to do well for it in order to get a treat...

There is so much battles to be fought on all front. This year, I cannot fight a battle and just win. This year I will have to fight and win in the best possible way ever. Which is to minimize the number of casulties. I think I will have to put myself and the troops under some really crazy training...and there will be mock battles which I will lose and suffer the humiliation that comes with it. However, this is the only way. Either I win or be killed. enough said.

2011-03-01T14:02:00.000+08:00

I am so gonna pester u with this :

SAMANTHA HSU, U BETTER MAKE URSELF AVAILABLE NEXT WEEK!! IF NOT YOU GET IT FROM ME!!!

but i havent decide on ur forfeit yet ...but u get the point.

2011-02-28T20:31:00.001+08:00

Mr Past

I have exactly maximum 30 minutes to spend dwelling here. Need to get back to my unemployment notes..not bad considering I am one under the natural unemployment group.

Just read jianyang's note on satisfaction, actually the basis was based about a topic that I had with him last friday. Although it had expanded into something pretty far from what we had discuss about. However its along the same line.

I won't be discussing about the note here, it wasn't what I wanted to blog about. Its just a catalyst for me to start blogging for some reason. Initially, I wanted to blog about dreams..and stuff..I realised that I had a few entries on those le. There's a reason for the google search button on my blog lo=P.

So..lets talk about the past. I think I had a post about past or something...hopefully it wont be the same thing that I will be discussing about...lolz...Anyways, in recent times, somehow the past had caught up with me. Reaching out with his skeletal hands, grabbing my shirt as I tried to move forward. Sometimes, we as humans, we have this in built thing in our system which make us remember certain things so that in the future, we would react accordingly to a similar event. Of course, its not a necessary a BAD thing, it enables us to make the correct decisions in the future. HOWEVER, like everything in life, it is a double-edged sword.

There had been a couple of quotes about the past that I had seen. Most commonly, its about not letting the past hold you back and that looking forward is the way to go in life. I propose a better way of seeing it. To Accept the Past as an Equal.

Why? because even if we keep looking forward, no matter how much we avoid certain incidents to happen, the probability is still there. The probability that the old past will catch up with you, the past as never ever left us, it's like a shadow forever behind us, but we cannot see it..some may even forgotten about it. One day,he will show himself yet again. But, if we learnt to accept it, to accept that the past had happened and it will always be with us in one way or another, I feel that come what may in the future, we can handle things better and that we can proudly hold our heads high and face Future with a confident face.

I am also in the process of accepting my past as my equal, it doesn't mean I got to suppress him as a subordinate. But I have to ready myself for the occasion fights that I would have with him. Its all part of the process of accepting each other. I think I acknowledge certain anchors that Mr. Past had embedded in me, and now I think I can identify some of them and that its time for me to pull these anchors out. Of course, not all these "bad" anchors can be pull out immediately, but I will try. For myself and for the people around me and for Mr Past himself.=)

Left 2 minutes le...back to unemployment...and for those who are fortunate to read this entry, Have you accept your past yet?=)

2011-02-27T12:31:00.000+08:00

Had a great supper ytd...lol...samuel was his usual self...totally crappy...I seriously think its in his blood or smthg=.=....ate too much cockles I think...haha...and of course the ever popular favourite 1 pint of sugar cane!!!...one of the best things on earth, right up there with ice cream( too bad samuel cant eat it=P)...haha

Told everything that was trapped within me to Pig ytd...I felt much better...its more of a I need someone to listen to me thingy...tried to squeeze everything within a period of time cuz apparently another friend of hers also having some issues...lolz...someone is becoming a counselor liao...haha

To Pig: thanks for everything ya...thanks for having the time to listen to me.=) Really appreciate it.

2011-02-26T17:59:00.000+08:00

mother: Eugene, you still want to go australia for holiday? you got enough money meh?

Me: shouldn't be too ex. bah...its a free and easy.

mother: You going to be 23 le, you got to have at least 10K. When 25th, should have 30K. Dont keep spending.

I did a mental count of my finances. Basically.....I'M SCREWED!!!!

Time for drastic measures liao...LOL...kind souls, do donate money to me...I appreciate it deep deep..=X

2011-02-25T20:24:00.001+08:00

Not going japan le=(

2011-02-25T11:25:00.002+08:00

Ahh....I want to go japan...LOL...hopefully jerrold will be able to get his immersion and the oil prices dont sky rocket!!!!

2011-02-25T08:10:00.000+08:00

At 1 am.

At 1am, the streets were cleared with the occasion taxis, the clean air seeks to calm the otherwise disturbed soul.

At 1am, a short breeze of cold air slaps across the face as if reality is telling you to wake up, and carry on.

At 1am, the cold metal bars of the balcony reminded me of the past and how cold it actually is.

At 1am, looking at 2 idiotic skate-boarders made me want to hide from the public view, to show a certain image. ( or it might be to avoid a 2nd downtown east attack..O.0)

At 1am, as I felt the wind, I thought of the world that is still turning, time waits for no one...I know that I cannot wallow in dejection.

At 1am, looking out at the scene before me, I thought of you, how I wish you will be here and sort me out. I know that you most probably had felt something was wrong, I can never hide from you.

After 1am, taking a deep breath of the clean air, the disturbed soul was calm and the soul said a phrase that no one will hear " thats that". And with a form of nonchalance, closes the door.

2011-02-23T10:01:00.002+08:00

ADAM COUPLE 4EVER!!

As predicted, I am really damn emo over the end-ing of the Adam Couple on WGM(We Got Married), a korean reality show. Although, its supposed to be a fake marriage between Jo-Kwon and Ga-In, both who are great singers in their own right, but seriously they are really damn pei with each other. It is the only couple in the 2 seasons of WGM( that I watch sparingly), that really made me go "aww","is it real?" and seriously want them to date in real life. I mean there are some portions that can be acted out, but a majority of the actions that they did, well...I can't see it as fake. If there ain't feelings for each other, they wouldn't have lasted a year plus and their progress was really nice. From a dongseng relationship towards a lovers relationship. Initially, one can see that they are really awkward with each other, but after a year, they gotten to be real close. Like what my friend said: " They are perfect because of their imperfections"

I think this show will go down forever in my memory because it not only brought me lots of laughter, of course, from Jo Kwon...but also all the emotions that are tied to their relationship as they get to know each other better. Actually this show also thought me a bit more about girls..haha...cuz of the way the MCs commented and stuff like that...and made me realised that actually I lacked a lot of sense sometimes...maybe I am usually very conscious about myself and my actions that I always looked at myself a lot of times and not so much at the other person. Ah..진짜( really)...I think gotten really emotional here..lol. Somehow I think both of them enjoyed filming, maybe its a good break from the other projects that they have.

Needless to say, I am a big fan of these 2 eventually, like their songs and all. Besides the fact that the way they expressed themselves with such sincerity and honesty, maybe there are some parts of me that was struck? maybe thats why it enable me to truly appreciate it. If all this is just acting, then I can say that their acting as definitely hit the highest level le, like the actors frm Autumn in My Heart.

I think I will always remember a few events. Like the HK trip where he piggy back ga-in, the bali photoshoot, JK's birthday present, their last christmas together and the final event. Ah seriously...it was suppose to be a comedy, now it evolved into a sentimental thing...lol...Cuz I mainly just want to watch JK excessive funny but I never expected them to be so involved in the show that I was slowly drawn into it. Come on, I am not the only one can...the whole nation was also drawn into it..lol.....every variety show they went, every MCs asked the same thing: " Are you two dating in real life?"

Well, it has been a great time watching and listening to them, truly daebak!!... here is a FMV with their 1st duet song together..Adam Hwaiting!! Its also time for me to move on liao...exams here I come...

2011-02-20T09:53:00.000+08:00

WGM 2 is truly my happy pill!!!...lolz

2011-02-19T22:27:00.001+08:00

Consolidation=)

Took the long bus back from expo today, actually wanted to sleep but ended up keep waking up. Oks lah, did get some sleep...haha...This entry wont be so unreadable like the previous entries, sorry about it, but I had to write in such a manner. In any case, I did do some thinking as well as some time travelling, I meant checking with the past...lolz

Sometimes, it feels rather alien to me that I wasn't really affected by certain emotions anymore or should I say, certain events. In the not too distant past, I would get rather affected by them, even though situation about the same, though definitely the emotions weren't. Maybe I had re-configure myself to the extent that I don't allow myself to emo more than a certain time period le. Or maybe it could be fengshui=P. I think sub-consciously, I told myself to be less reliant on others, I remembered that in the past, during the dark ages, I told myself that I am going to change. I told myself that whatever happens in the future, I am going to take it. I restricted myself from thinking too much, I restricted myself from being too irrational, I forced myself to be more confident. And I think that made me to who I am today, someone with some various forms of masks, someone that tries to believe in a given set of values. I feel thats what the dark ages had given me, some times, I think I am rather lucky in the sense that I didn't lose myself during that time. Often, I read back the previous posts, there were so many times when I almost lose myself in the various processes. Thats why, I feel that if someone has the determination to change, it is possible. Just like in fengshui, where there is mankind luck, the luck which is ultimately depends on man. It is said that sometimes mankind luck will be so strong that heaven luck ( in a sense predetermined destiny) can also be altered. I changed something in the past that was predicted, thats why I strongly believe that if one has a strong enough determination, its possible but it is also dependent on the surroundings around him.

*sigh*...I think I had kinda of emptied my thoughts liao. I think this is somewhat like my pensieve. You know, in Harry Potter, where dumbledore always take out his memories and put them into the pensieve. Of course, my blog here is not so organised like dumbledore's where he can sort out the memories properly=P. I don't think in a rather fixed procedures, its more like a brownian motion, which is....yeah..random. haha